I’m exhausted, and I should have avoided that street, that house. That’s why the nightmare has returned now, why my mother is on my mindsomuch.
Exhaustion had allowed the memory to slip back in, and going by my old house yesterday, or whenever it was, hadn’t helped. I should have made an excuse to take another route to the gateway, they all would have believed me and followed me, but my old road was the most direct way to get to where we neededtogo.
Plus, if I made an excuse to avoid my old house and something happened and someone was hurt or injured because of it, I would never forgive myself. Determined not to be weak and refusing to hide from what couldn’t be changed, I’d sworn to myself that seeing my old house wouldn’t affect me, butithad.
Now I was payingforit.
However, I couldn’t have known I would see what I’d seen there. I couldn’t have expected that years wouldn’t have erased some of the horror of what occurred there. I still wouldn’t have taken a different route if I’d known, but I would have prepared myself better and I wouldn’t havelooked.
I jerked my shoulder away from Corson’s touch as fresh tears welled in my eyes.Nocrying!
“Are you okay?” heinquired.
It’s okay; it’s okay,my mother’s frantic voice whispered through my mind again. But it hadn’t been okay; nothing had been okay sincethatday.
“No,” I whispered before realizing I’d spoken the word instead of thinking it. “Yes!” I blurted. “I mean yes.I’mfine.”
I realized I’d slumped down when I’d fallen asleep against the wall. I pushed myself into a seated position. Now that I’d stopped moving, the cold earth of the wall felt far cooler as it leeched the warmth from my body. I leaned away from it and drawing my legs against my chest, I wrapped my armsaroundthem.
“You were having a nightmare,” hestated.
“We humans do dream, so it happens,” I replied more casually thanIfelt.
“We may not require as much sleep as you, but demonsdreamtoo.”
“Interesting.” I pushed back the strands of hair sticking to my damp face. “I’ll takewatchnow.”
“What was the nightmareabout?”
“That’s none of your business,demon.”
I didn’t have to see him to feel his anger over me calling him demon again, but I had to keep my distance from him. It was because of him my motherwasdead.
No, not him, I reminded myself, but thingslikehim. The ones who had ripped my mom to shreds had the snouts of dobermans and crocodile tails. They’d looked nothing like Corson or the other demons I’d come to know, but they’d all originatedinHell.
I lowered my head into my hands as I tried to regain control of myself. The nightmare had torn apart my restraint over my memories, and now I couldn’t hold onto one thought or emotion. Part of me wanted to climb into Corson’s arms and sob out my grief in a way I never had before. The other part wanted to kill him for what he was. It was irrational, I knew it hadn’t been his fault, but I felt anything but rationalrightnow.
I knew demons weren’t all bloodthirsty monsters, but I still shouldn’t be yearning to touch one as badly as I did Corson. It was a betrayal to my mom, my dad, and all the other people slaughtered that day and over the many following days. It was a betrayal to the Wilders Randy had ordered to follow me, and it was a bigger betrayal toRandy.
I released a choked sob. Corson rested his hand on my shoulder again. When I didn’t push him away, because I simply didn’t have the energy to, he slid his arm around my shoulders and drew me against his side. The warmth of his body enveloping me made me feel secure in a way I hadn’t felt inyears.
His fingers wiped away the lingering wetness of my tears. “What was the nightmare about?” he askedagain.
I opened my mouth to tell him it was none of his business again. Instead, words tumbled out so fast I barely processed what I said. I told him every detail about cookie day, my mom’s laughter, and later her screams. Told him about my dad’s boisterous shout for his lasses and hisbearhugs.
I revealed how my mom died, what they’d done to her, and how cramped my legs became beneath the sink. How I’d shook when I heard the whistling sound of the bombs plummeting from the sky. I’d never seen the bombs, but somehow I knew what they were before I heard their explosions. I’d held my breath and waited to burn alive or blow up, but that never came. I told him how the sun set and rose all with me under the sink, too scaredtomove.
I shamefully admitted I’d had more than a few accidents under that sink when my bladder couldn’t contain its contents anymore. Revealed how I became so hungry my stomach knotted and it became so hot that my sweat pooled around me. Then, how I’d vomited the meager contents of my stomach when the stench of my waste and my mother’s decomposing body permeated the air, and all the while, I remained underthesink.
“At sunset on the second day, thirst drove me out from my hiding spot. When I nudged open the door and slid free, I couldn’t avoid my mother’s blood. It had spread forward to coat the area before the cabinets. I tried to touch as little of it as possible, but I was unable to get my cramped legs to hold me, and I slipped and fell into her blood,” Iwhispered.
“I lay there for a while, crying, before recalling I was supposed to be brave too. I forced myself to get up. Starving, I fell on the cookie batter and ate it all; then I threw it up. Some of it must have stayed down as after eating it and drinking some water, I felt stronger, but I still couldn’t get up the energy to goanywhere.
“So I sat there, staring at my mom’s body and listening to the nothingness my world had become. The screams had been endless in the beginning, and over the following two days, an occasional one still pierced the air, but hours had passed since I’d heard anything beyond the tick of the kitchenclock.
“The screams had been awful, and there had beensomany of them, but the silence was worse. At least I’d known I wasn’t alone when I could hear the screams. Without them, I became convinced I was the last person on Earth and I’d never felt so alone. He found me the next day,”Isaid.
“Who found you?” Corson asked when I stoppedspeaking.
