“You like them.” It’s not a question, he can tell Andrew does from the look in his eyes, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want confirmation.
“I always liked them. It’s why I followed you on social media. Charlie always teased me about having a crush but it wasn’t that. Not then. I thought you were a complete asshole, but you were nice to look at.”
That has Nicki’s chest puffing up with pride. Well, maybe not the asshole part, but Andrew isn’t actually wrong about that so he can’t be bothered by the truth.
“And now?”
“You’re definitely still an asshole, but it’s not all you are.”
“And still nice to look at?” Nicholas prompts, purposely stretching the collar of his tank out to give Andrew a better view. Andrew’s cheeks darken, but his fingertips skim over the massive wings tattooed over his ribs that stretch up his chest enough to be seen where he’s pulled the shirt down, each intricately filled with flames.
“Yes, you’re really nice to look at.”
Nicholas is so curious about what enjoyment and desire means for Andrew. He isn’t sure if he should bring it up, but his thoughts must be clear because Andrew shrugs.
“Just ask.”
“You’re attracted to me, but you don’t want to fuck me.”
“I didn’t want to fuck you.” Andrew’s nails trail down the center of the butterfly’s body. “Now, I don’t know. There’s this space in my brain for sex, and it’s all compartmentalized. It doesn’t feel like it impacts me, you know? I’ve had sex, a few times in college, and I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t—” Andrew pauses, and Nicki yanks the tank off in one fell swoop, eager to give Andrew something to focus on. Sure enough, this does the trick because once Andrew’s fingers are tracing the skilled line work across his ribs, his mouth is moving again. “I meant it before, I don’t really care about sex. I like reading about it, which you know from my books, but that’s other people, it’s not real. The few times I tried it was…I wasn’t repulsed, but?—”
Andrew licks his lips, both his hands on Nicholas’s stomach now as he traces the bouquet of florals on one hip and the dragon on the other.
“I don’t enjoy participating reciprocally.”
Nicholas waits for more, but it becomes apparent after a prolonged silence there is nothing else.
“And?”
“What do you mean, and? That’s it.”
“Does looking at me turn you on?”
“Not in the way you mean. I like it. I want to touch you. But I don’t want more than this. Not right now.”
“But maybe in the future?”
“Maybe yes, maybe no,” Andrew shrugs. “I’ve never been with anyone where it didn’t feel like an expectation. Every date, every touch, every single goddamn desire for any shred of intimacy is always treated like a precursor to sex. Do you know how exhausting it is to feel like what I want isn’t enough? Even if I do want sex with you, which I don’t know if I will, by the way, I don’t know what it’ll mean or how often. Sometimes I think I’mdemisexual, other times gray ace, the micro labels don’t always fit, which is why I just say asexual, but either way—I know I don’t like reciprocating, so sex with me would never be fun for you.”
“I have yet to hear a single thing that indicates sex with you wouldn’t be the best sex of my life.”
“Well one, you might never get sex, or you might only get sex once a year, which you’d hate.”
“I’ve got two fucking hands, I’m a big boy who can use them if I want an orgasm, and you don’t.”
“Also,” Andrew continues, his cheeks an attractive rosy color as if Nicholas’s answer pleased him, “I don’t want to….do things to you.”
“You’re touching me now.”
“Fine, let me be more specific—I don’t want to pleasure you sexually, okay? Ever. At all. I know it’s weird.”
“Who the fuck told you it was weird?” Andrew doesn’t answer. Nicholas plans to address that later. “I’m fucking serious, fuck whoever the fuck told you that. Fucking cunt bag piece of shit.”
“Look, most people don’t want a partner with little to no interest in sex, especially when that very hypothetical and sporadic interest involves no desire to reciprocate.”
If Andrew is trying to turn him off, he’s in for a surprise.
“Do you mind if I touch you?” Nicholas questions. “When you want it only.”
