But I can’t stop searching the crowd forhim.
From the back row, I can only catch glimpses of his dark hair and the line of his shoulders, or the way he stands with his hands in his pockets now, head bowed.
The priest comes back to the lectern. “Does anyone else have a story to share about Helen? All are welcome. Please come share.”
And I don’t know what possesses me.
Maybe it’s the grief sitting heavy in my chest. Maybe it was the look on Caleb’s face when he saw me. Maybe it’s ten years of regret finally boiling over.
But I get to my feet.
I stare at the ground as I walk down the center aisle of chairs set up in the grass, my heart pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears.
I hear Caleb’s sharp inhale as I pass, so I know exactly when he realizes it’s me walking toward the platform. I feel his eyes on me like a physical touch.
Oh Jesus, oh Jesus, what the fuck am I doing?
But this is what I came here for, isn’t it?
I step up onto the deck—the same deck where I used to sit with Helen and drink tea. It’s where she taught me how to French braid my hair. Where she told me I was smart enough for college if I wanted it—and my knees nearly give out.
Just talk.Just fucking talk, say your goodbyes, and get it over with. Then you can flee back to the car with the closure you wanted, and this chapter can finally be done.
“I didn’t know Helen for long,” I start, my voice wobbling. I clear my throat, but it still sounds wrecked. “But the six months I spent with her were at a really pivotal time in my life.”
I can feel Caleb’s stare burning into me.
Can’t look at him.Can’t.
“I was, um—” I swallow hard. “By the end she didn’t like me anymore, but for a really good reason.”
Confused murmurs ripple through the crowd.Who is this girl? What is she talking about?
“But she still changed my life,” I push through. “No one had ever been kind to me like that. Not without wanting something in return. She was the first real mother I ever knew. I never knew a mom could be like that and?—”
My voice cracks.
Everyone’s staring. Looking confused. Probably wondering who the hell I am and what the fuck I’m talking about.
I shrink into myself.
“Anyway, I never got to tell her goodbye. So I just wanted to say...”
I suck in a huge breath and look up at the sky, blinking hard against the tears.
“I loved you, Helen. You taught me how to be a mother—a gift you couldn’t have known would turn out to mean everything to me. You were the most selfless person I ever met.”
My voice drops to barely a whisper.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”
Then I’m moving. Running. Off the platform, down the aisle, and out through the gate.
I hear someone call my name—his voice,Caleb’s voice—but I don’t stop.
I can’t stop.
Because if I stop, I’ll have to face what I just did. And everything I felt. What seeing him again just confirmed.
