My eyes land on the small paper bag sitting on the counter, the one I brought home with me yesterday.
I had sat here for hours until three in the afternoon, staring out at the city skyline while shame consumed me. The memory of letting Cade suck me had swallowed everything else. Strangely, it had even helped me accept the bigger truth: I’m gay.
What I’m really struggling with now is the realization that I apparently have a deep, undeniable bond with Cade… and I have no idea how to move forward from that, or how to even begin a conversation about it.
Like an idiot, I’d gone out and bought two bottles of the bourbon whiskey I like. I never drink like that on a work night, maybe a glass or two with food at most. Once I got home and opened the first bottle, I ended up on my laptop researching how to handle being gay: how to date, and how to navigate these new feelings.
One Reddit thread suggestedexploringwith toys, and someone had linked “good beginner options” along with an article on how to use them safely. Somehow, I’d endedup ordering a dildo with same-day delivery. I’d been too embarrassed to use my real name or apartment number, just instructing them to leave it at the building. When the discreet cardboard box arrived, I’d retrieved it quietly, brought it upstairs, and opened it. I don’t even remember what it looks like now… only that I’d blushed so hard I immediately shoved it into this bag and tried to forget about it.
Curiosity and nerves pull me toward the bag. I reach inside until my fingers wrap around the smooth silicone. I pull it out slowly… it’s purple, and big,really big. I hold it in both hands, frowning as I turn it over.How on earth is something this size supposed to fit inside anyone?There’s a suction cup on the base, one of the Reddit suggestions had been to use it in the shower. The idea is suddenly very tempting. I need a shower anyway, and a dark, curious part of me wonders if this might actually help. Maybe I don’t need a relationship at all. Maybe I can just stay in the closet and figure this out on my own.
I walk into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I wish it had a lock now, but I’ve never needed one before. Still, it’s early, and Cade’s fast asleep.
I turn the shower on hot, letting the steam gradually fill the room while my nerves spike ridiculously high at what I’m about to try. I open the cabinet and grab a bottle of lube, I have plenty of it, thanks to years of needing it just to finish on my own, even when it takes twenty frustrating minutes.
I kick off my boxers, step under the scalding spray, and let the hot water cascade over my shoulders. It feels good, grounding.
I look down at the purple dildo in my hand, heart hammering. I wonder if this is really going to work. Taking a deep breath, I press the suction cup firmly against the tiled wall. When I tug on it to test, it holds perfectly.Okay… here we go, Rowan. You can do this.
My hands are shaking as I squeeze a generous amount of lube onto my fingers. The clear gel is cool against my skin, and I have to take a slow, steadying breath before I reach behind myself. With my eyes closed, I begin rubbing the slick pads of my fingers over my hole in slow, careful circles, trying to coax my body into relaxing.
My other hand wraps around the thick purple dildo, feeling its weight, the raised ridges along its length, the intimidating girth. It’s bigger than I remembered. As I touch it, my mind betrays me… a flash of Cade’s face, his dark eyes looking up at me from between my legs yesterday, the heat of his mouth. I whimper softly. The image should horrify me, but instead it sends a rush of heat straight to my cock, making me harden faster than I ever do on my own. I can’t push the thought away.
Emboldened by the growing pleasure coiling low in my belly, I press one slick finger inside. The stretch is unfamiliar and burns at first, but I keep going, breathing through it. After a few careful minutes of slow, gentle thrusting, and adding a second finger when my body starts to open… the discomfort begins to fade, replaced by a deep, unfamiliar fullness that makes my cock twitch.
Five minutes pass like that, my fingers working patiently until the burn has mostly eased and my body feels more welcoming. I’m achingly hard now, desperation building.
I pull my fingers out, turn around, and brace one palm flat against the wet tile wall. With my other hand, I reach back, gripping the base of the dildo to hold it steady against the suction cup. I line it up and slowly push myself backward.
The stretch is intense. My muscles instinctively clench and resist, a sharp burn blooming where the thick head presses inside. I pause, breathing raggedly, forcing myself to relax. My free hand drops to stroke my cock, slow and firm, and the pleasure surges forward, stronger than anything I’ve felt alone before. Encouraged, I ease back further, taking more of the toy.
Suddenly it brushes against something inside me that makes my knees buckle. A soft, involuntary moan slips from my lips. I pull forward slightly, then push back again, testing. It hits that same spot and another moan escapes, louder this time. I freeze, slapping my hand over my mouth, breathing hard through my nose; that was too loud.
A sudden, forbidden thrill rushes through me at the thought that Cade might hear. If he does… maybe, he’ll tell me to shut up. Or maybe… he’ll come in.
The idea sends another hot pulse through me. I bite my lip, rest my forehead against my forearm on the wall, and push back harder, letting the moans come louder this time. I stroke myself in time with the slow rocks of my hips, chasing the building pleasure. The edge is approaching much faster than usual, my body trembling with it.
“Fuck…” The word comes out in a breathless pant.
The bathroom door suddenly slams open.
“Don’t you fucking dare come on that,” Cade’s deep voice demands, sharp and commanding.
I freeze instantly, every muscle locking up. A tiny, nervous grin twitches at the corner of my lips even as embarrassment and shame flood through me. I can’t bring myself to turn around and face him. Instead, I let the edge fade, releasing my cock and standing here trembling under the hot spray, heart hammering, waiting to see what he’ll do next.
I hear the bathroom door click shut and for one terrifying heartbeat I wonder if Cade actually left. Then comes the sound of bare feet on wet tile, slow and deliberate. My teeth sink into my lower lip as anticipation coils tight in my stomach.
Cade steps into the shower behind me, completely naked. From the corner of my eye, I catch the broad lines of his chest, the sharp cut of his hips, the heavy weight of his cock already half-hard. Holy fuck. Okay, Rowan… breathe.
He growls, low and displeased. “What the fuck are you doing?”
The rough timbre of his voice pulls a pathetic whimper from my throat. Unable to help myself, I cheekily push back against the toy, letting the thick head drag over that sensitive spot again. A loud, broken moan spills out of me.
Cade’s hand shoots out and fists tightly in my wet curls, yanking my head back so I’m forced to look at him. His eyes are blown almost black, jaw clenched tight with barely restrained hunger.
“I dare you to do that again,” he says, voice dangerously soft.
I bite my lip, hold his gaze, and deliberately push back onto the dildo once more, letting the moan tear free while my face twists with pleasure. I watch his dark eyes flick over every twitch of my expression, drinking me in.
