“Myself. My adopted parents, especially Mom. My birth parents who abandoned me. I don’t know. Just wanted to be stronger than my addiction. I figured if I could sit there and not piss away my money, then I’d know I was back in control. And I’d never lose myself to anything again. It’s my form of exposure therapy. I’ve been wearing down my urges, little by little. I started small, just driving to the casino and sitting in the parking lot for a few minutes. That was it. Then I’d walk in and back out. And on from there.”
With each broken piece I reveal to her, the smoother the jagged edges of my soul become. I expected the opposite. As if exposing my demons would abrade me, bringing their claws to the surface again.
But that isn’t happening. Because I’m sharing this with her, not with someone who would judge me unfairly.
“And is it working?” she asks.
“Yes, I think so.” My nod steadily grows more emphatic as belief sets in. “I was able to sit at your table that day, place a few bets, and leave. It hasn’t kept me up at night. And I haven’t relapsed. So I’d say it’s been effective.”
“That’s impressive. Good for you. I bet you’re proud.”
I like her praise more than I should. However, I’ve always been greedy for Lila’s attention.
With a dejected huff, she lets her head sag. “I feel so stupid.”
With my car in sight, I fish the key out of my pocket and hit the self-start button to cool the interior. “Why?”
“All this time, I thought you might be there to mess with me. Jerk me around some more or something. Turns out, it had nothing to do with me.”
Head kicking back reflexively, I scoff at the implication. “Jerk you aroundsome more?”
Aside from the last few interactions regarding the case, I’ve never intentionally fucked with Lila. In any way.
Period.
Which is why it hurt so much when she used and discarded me a few years ago.
And now those wounds are at the surface, causing irritation to overtake me.
I might be strong enough to beat my gambling addiction, but forcing myself to be around Lila is proving to be a far cry more challenging. Wanting her this desperately while still being gutted about what happened last time is a recipe for certain disaster.
All this time, I’ve kept my mouth shut about how it went down. I figured it’d be better to leave it in the past for now. Bringing it up could’ve jeopardized my chance to do my job.
But that ends this second. I’m so fucking sick of this shit.
“Lila, enough with the snide comments about what happened. It’s pissing me off. Be straight with me.”
Instead of explaining her unjust accusation, she thrusts my hand away and storms off. Her pace picks up as she barrels to the car.
I catch up easily, placing my hand on the passenger door to stop her from opening it. “Turn around and look at me, please. We’re having this out right now.”
Her shoulders fall with a weighted exhale. “Just forget it, Reed. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“I’m physically incapable of forgetting it. This is the second time you’ve said something like that in the last half hour alone.Accusing me of an unknown transgression. I don’t fucking get it. If I did something to hurt you, then tell me. Because the last time I checked, it wasyouwho did the jerking around. Punnotintended.”
When she spins around, her face crumples in a mask of confusion with flickers of anger behind her eyes. “Don’t play dumb. You know what you did.”
I fling my empty hands to the side. “Clearly, I don’t know, Lila. That’s why I’m asking—nobegging—for you to tell me what the fuck you’re talking about.”
There’s a twitch under her eye that ripples down to the corner of her mouth. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I have no idea why you’re mad at me. I never didanythingto hurt you.”
Her chestnut eyes become glassy. “Yes, you did.”
“What do you think I did?”
“Don’t turn this on me, Reed. Don’t you dare.” She mashes her lips together in anger, then seethes, “I know all about her. You didn’t even wait twenty-four hours before you were in bed with another woman. The very next night. That’s disgusting. After all we shared. The things you said. Promises you made. How could you do that?”
