My hand inches toward her silky smooth shoulder of its own volition. “That’s fair. Same with my job.”
“Speaking of, how’s work going? You finally got your dream job. That must be exciting.”
My thumb idly strokes her skin. “It comes with its challenges, that’s for sure. The hours and stress are rough. So much fucking paperwork. That’s one thing I didn’t expect. You don’t see FBI agents on TV doing paperwork, but it’s like sixty percent of our damn job.”
“Really?”
“Well, sometimes it’s a nice break.”
“From what?”
“You seealotof bad shit. Nothing but the worst of society. In fact, this morning—” Grimacing, I stop myself from talking about that gory murder scene.
“This morning, what?” she prods gently.
“Nothing you want to hear about.”
“I’m sure it can’t be easy to deal with everything you see. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.”
“Some things are best left unspoken.”
She nods, raising her chin slightly. “I get that.”
“When I solve a case, the bad shit is easier to forget. Giving closure to the victims and their families is what it’s all about. If I have to deal with disturbing things to make the world a little safer, that’s my cross to bear. And I’ll do it without complaint.”
Before I can figure out how to pivot the topic, she brings her knee up on the bench and angles her body toward me. “Can I tell you a secret?”
Although her question sounds promising, I’m not getting my hopes up.
Hope can suck it.
“I’m all ears.”
She lowers her voice to just above a whisper. “I was always jealous of you.”
My jaw falls slack. “Huh? Why?”
“For knowing what path to take in life and making it happen. You had a noble dream and followed it. And the way you talk about your job, I can see how much it means to you.” An uncharacteristic frown darkens her expression. “Unlike you, I’m still drifting through life without a compass. Searching aimlessly for something to fill the void inside.” She presses her fist against her chest. “In here.”
Her voice lowers to a whisper that damn near breaks me in two. “I’ll never have what you have.”
I skim my knuckles along her cheek. “Lila, even people who seem like they have it all figured out are just as rudderless. Maybe not about their career, but other things. I think everyone’s searching.”
She peers up at me with hope clouding her eyes. “Are you searching too, Reed?”
“Yes,” I answer without hesitation.
“Do you know what you’re looking for?”
“I do. And I know when I lost it. But I don’t think I can get it back.”
With eyes shimmering with unshed tears, she exhales a big puff of air through those kissable lips.
Quickly, she shifts her body toward the water as if signaling a change. She lets the silence speak for several seconds before saying, “I know when mine was lost too. Unlike you, IknowI can’t get it back. With a hundred percent certainty.”
I’ve seen Lila happy. I’ve seen her playful and snarky. I’ve seen her mussed with a sex glow. I’ve seen her when she’s aggravated with me. I’ve seen her pretending to be sunshine. And I’ve seen her moments of true warmth.
But I’ve never seen her this vulnerable, willingly exposing parts of her damaged soul. All her pretenses are gone. No armor remains. Before me is the real Lila Kent.
