“I don’t know. I guess so.”
“I feel like we’re talking in circles. What kind of things are you talking about not wanting to tell me?”
Fine. If he was going to insist, I’d tell him. It wasn’t like he wouldn’t see it all at some point anyway. I took a deep breath and a sip of my coffee before speaking. “Where do I begin? Within the last few weeks, a coworker asked me a question aboutwhether I’ve been to a restaurant. It took me a long minute to process the question, and before I really did, I said yes. Then I finally figured out what he was asking and it was really no, but I felt too awkward to change my answer at that point, so I just hoped he’d drop it. But then he asked me about it more, and I sounded like a complete idiot. At work, I shook the coffee creamer thinking it was closed, but it was open a little and sprayed everywhere. I spilled that same cup of coffee and had to wear a dirty shirt all day. I tried putting the bin of crayons away and dropped it and they rolled all over the room, so everyone had to help me clean up. I did the same thing with my wallet in the grocery store, and everyone had to wait while the woman behind me and I picked up all the coins. I poked myself in the eye while washing my face. I didn’t step far enough back before opening the bathroom door, so I scraped the top of my toes with the door. And I tripped walking up the stairs in Nicky’s house. Want me to go on? There’s more.”
Dylan put his hand on the table, palm up, waiting for me. I placed my hand in his and he held on tight.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel put on the spot. You don’t owe me any explanations and you don’t have to report back to me in any way. But I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t tell me something. I know you have dyspraxia, Juls. I know these things happen, and I know they upset you. You don’t need to keep it a secret from me. If you’re hurt or if something happens that has you upset, worried, embarrassed, or anything like that, and later you’re still thinking about it and feeling bad about yourself, I want you to tell me because I want to have the opportunity to make you feel better. You don’t even need to tell me the details if you don’t want to. But if you can at least give me an idea of what you’re feeling, I’ll know whether or not I need to worry or if I just need to remind you how amazing you are.”
“I’ll try. You’re so mentally and physically strong and capable and I hate feeling like I’m not.”
He cocked an eyebrow at me. “Seriously? Juls, how strong are you?”
“Um, a little.”
“How strong do I think you are?”
“Right, right.”
“Say it.”
“I’m not saying it.” I shook my head, but I couldn’t stop the little smile that pushed its way through.
“Say it, Juls.”
“Strong as fuck. Happy now?”
“Yes, I am. I’ll be even happier when you believe it. Baby, I love that you think so highly of me, but don’t put me on some unrealistic pedestal. I’m happy in my life now, but you know that I spent years unhappy and doubting every decision I made. I felt like I’d wasted a chunk of my life, and I was frustrated with myself for being weak, for not doing what I knew in my gut I should. I was bitter about Kayla—and I still hate that I brought that danger into your life—but now I know all of that had to happen the way it did for me to end up right here with you, exactly where I was always meant to be.”
Oh my God. How did he always know the right thing to say? How could he say the most perfect thing specifically as he was trying to say he wasn’t perfect? What could I say back to that?
“Aww, Dylan. I think we’re perfect together. I’m happy that somehow my awkwardness and clumsiness and messed up speech attracted you so we could be together.”
That was not the right thing to say back to him. It was as awful as what he said was great. No, even worse than that. I laughed awkwardly. “Kidding.”
“Was that supposed to be funny? Putting yourself down is not funny, especially when I know you think it’s true.”
“I don’t always think it’s true. Depends on the day.”
“How about today?”
“Well, with all the sweet things you’re saying, you’re coming close to dragging me over to your way of seeing things.”
He stood and pulled me up with him, then sat back down in my chair, pulling me onto his lap and wrapping his arms around me.
“If you could see what I see, you’d see a beautiful woman who is so strong to be able to accomplish everything you have while dyspraxia has tried to knock you down. You’d see a woman with so much empathy and kindness that draws people in, and that’s just one way that dyspraxia has helped you be a better person. You’d see that you’re perfect for me. I love how you’re so accepting of everyone and everything, and that you see the positive side to every situation—except I wish you’d also see it when it comes to yourself. I love that you’re independent in so many ways, but you still need me too. I love that you look at me like I’m your hero, not just for the big things, but because you notice and appreciate all the small things as well. I love you, Juliette, just the way you are. I love making you feel good, and I love the way you make me feel.”
Happiness filled my chest. I had no words to say to that, so I kissed him instead, hoping he felt the love in it.
He slid his hand along my jaw and fisted my hair, holding me in place while he kissed me. Not that he needed to. I wanted to stay here in this moment forever.
Too soon, he pulled back, but still cupped the side of my head, holding me close as he looked into my eyes.
“I’m serious, Juls. It takes nothing for me to make sure you’re sitting where it’s easy to talk to a friend. I’m more than happy to hold your hand when we walk or to touch your back to make sure you walk through a doorway and not into it. And the way you walk and talk with more confidence and ease when I do thoselittle things for you makes me feel like your hero. I love that. I need that. It gives me just as much happiness as it gives you. Don’t ever feel bad for needing or wanting anything from me. And don’t be nervous or embarrassed to ask for it either.”
I nodded, his words and the feeling of his big, callused fingers on my neck and scalp sending shivers down my body. I leaned into him, and as we kissed and touched, I vowed to myself to shake off the remaining self-doubt and truly see myself the way he did. I was already close.
29
