“Darius is good-looking, but he’s also …cold. He doesn’t smile much. He’s like a super sexy android or something.”
Esri turned back to her. “Most people aren’t as open as you are, and most don’t smile as often as you do. I bet he’s seen a lot of awful things in his line of work. Law enforcement officers often carry a lot of trauma. One way they deal with it is to shut off the negative emotions. The downside is that you can’t turn off justoneemotion. When you turn one off, the others go with it.”
“That’s sad.” Sasha wondered whether that was the case for Darius.
Esri glanced out the window again. “He’s leaving with Julia in her squad car.”
“I hope this means they’ve found them.”
Esri’s gaze was focused on Sasha once more. “So do I. That would give you peace of mind, wouldn’t it?”
Sasha nodded. “At least I’d know they can’t hurt me again, and I might find out why they did it. I just don’t understand why anyone would want to kill me.”
Even saying those words made her stomach knot.
Esri’s brown eyes were warm with understanding. “We want violence to make sense because that helps us feel safer. It gives us the illusion of control. If we know why someone harmed us, we imagine that we can prepare ourselves and avoid that situation in the future. But often, violencedoesn’tmake sense. Sometimes the logic is buried in the mind of the perpetrator. Living with uncertainty after a trauma like this is difficult.”
Tears filled Sasha’s eyes again, and she reached for another tissue. “I can’t let this change me. I can’t let this steal my happiness.”
“Lifedoeschange us. Look how being part of the Team has changed who you are ingoodways. Your priorities and how you view climbing are different now. Traumatic experiences change us, too. The people who are rescued by the Team—that’s often the worst day of their lives.”
Sasha sniffed. “I hadn’t thought about that. I’m always on a high after a rescue. But when the Team rescued me, itwasthe worst day of my life.”
Esri took her hand. “Moving forward means processing this experience so that your mind can heal just like your body heals. I can offer EMDR—Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, but there are many paths to healing trauma. I can also refer you to therapists who use ketamine-assisted psychotherapy for PTSD.”
Sasha shook her head. “I’d rather stick with you, if that’s okay.”
“Of course, it’s okay.” Esri explained what EMDR was and how it used the eye movement associated with REM sleep to help the brain process traumatic events. “The sooner we start, the better. I would recommend two sessions a week for a few weeks, until you start feeling more settled.”
Sasha had never shied away from a challenge. She trained her body to perform at peak efficiency, and that meant getting enough rest, icing sore joints, and pampering herself when her body needed it. Her mind was just another part of her body. While her physical injuries healed, it made sense to heal her mind, too.
“Can we start tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow’s Saturday, but I’m happy to see you.” Esri drew her phone out of a small handbag, tapped its screen a few times. “How about eleven?”
Sasha didn’t have to check her calendar. She’d had nothing planned beyond training and packing for her trip to Slovakia, and now that was canceled. “That’s fine.”
“We’ll meet at my clinic. You know where that is, right?”
Sasha nodded. “I can’t drive, but the walk will do me good.”
“If you’re not feeling up to walking, I’m sure Megs or someone else will be happy to drive you. Maybe Squibb can give you a lift. He’ll have to follow you anyway.”
Sasha laughed—then moaned. “I can’t laugh. It hurts too much.”
“Sorry.” Esri stood. “You stay where you are. I can find my way out.”
Sasha got to her feet. “It’s time for another dose of pain meds anyway.”
She walked Esri to the door and thanked her for making a house call. “I really appreciate it.”
Esri drew a woolen hat over her short, dark hair. “That’s what I’m here for.”
Sasha waved to Tommy, then shut the door and locked it. Normally, she wouldn’t think of locking her door in the middle of the day, but there was nothing normal about any of this.
She found her oxycodone, took two pills, and carried them with a glass of water toward the stairs. She needed sleep. But when she reached the foot of the stairs, she turned toward her office instead.
Inside, she found two pieces of equipment attached to her computer, flashing lights indicating that some kind of program was running. The sight of them ought to have made her feel safer. Instead, these gadgets were an unwelcome reminder that two men had tried to run her down. But Darius, Julia, and so many others were working hard to catch the bastards.
