I nod mechanically, clutching the cash.
I turn and walk toward the glass doors of the convenience store, leaving Noah at the pump, waiting for it. The electronic bell chimes above my head as I push the door open, the sound echoing like a gunshot in my ringing ears.
The blast of the store’s heater hits my freezing skin, making me shiver all over again. The fluorescent lights overhead are blinding. To my left, an older man with a gray beard and a faded trucker hat is leaning against the counter, reading a newspaper.
I keep my head down, my shoes squeaking against the dingy linoleum. I feel like I have a neon sign flashing above my head.Murderer. Fugitive.I smell like exhaust, old dust, and something else more deadly.
And I suddenly feel sick to my stomach.
I approach the counter, sliding the fifty-dollar bill across to the clerk. “I just need this on pump…” My voice trails off as I turn around to see where Noah is.
“Pump six,” the clerk rasps, his voice thick with years of chain-smoking, probably. “I got you. It ain’t probably gonna take that to fill up the tank.”
“That’s okay,” I tell him, trying to be cool, as I turn back to meet his gaze. “I was wondering if I could have the bathroom key, too?”
“Sure,” he mutters, taking the fifty-dollar bill and then reaching under the counter. He grabs a brass key with a rubber tag and slides it across to me. “I’ll have your change when you bring back the key. The bathroom is outside to the right.”
“Okay,” I say, forcing a smile as he kicks on the pump. “Thank you.”
I grab the key, spin on my heels, and make a break for the door, my chest feeling painfully tight. I have no idea if I’m about to have a heart attack or if this is some sort of aftershock.
Did I feel like this after I killed Matthew?I try to conjure back that memory, but the effort falls flat. I don’t remember anything other than Bill’s neck spurting a stream of crimson.Gross. So fucking gross.
No,hewas gross.
He fucking deserved what he had coming.
“Got it,” I call out to Noah, holding up the key.
He gives me a thumbs up, his full-faced helmet still on, and the nozzle already inserted in the tank.
I hate how normal he looks. How normal this could be. Just a couple out for an evening ride through the desert of New Mexico, enjoying their time together.
But not us. We’re not normal. We never will be.
I follow the clerk's instructions and make my way around the side of the building to the bathroom entrance. I stab the key into the lock and then turn it until it clicks open. I push the door in and step inside as the motion lights flicker on.
At least it’s clean.I take it in and shut the door, locking it behind me. I set the key on the sink and then stare at my reflection for a second.
Who is that?I stare at the glassy jade eyes looking back at me, bloodshot and tired. In twenty-four hours, I’ve lost my dog and my mind.
Cool.I run my fingers through my tangled hair and then give up as soon as my bladder cramps. I did have to pee. Noah was smart.
I go through the motions of that, but as soon as I flush the toilet, there’s a knock on the door. My heart skips a few beats.
“Occupied,” I call out.
“I know,” a familiar voice chuckles from the other side. “Let me in. I gotta piss.”
“Right.” I shake it off and then unlock the bathroom door, letting Noah in, still wearing his helmet. As soon as the door closes, he strips it off, his face damp with sweat and grime that slipped through the vents.
“Bike is filled up,” he says simply, as he undoes his pants and angles over the toilet.
“The guy inside said there should be change.”
“Yeah, I only spent forty-one, and we’re going to need all the fucking cash we can get.”
I nod and kick on the water, waiting until it gets warm. I wash my hands, then lean over them, splashing water onto my face.
