She comes down the steps. Across the grass. Stops in front of me. Close enough that I can smell the shampoo she used.
"I'm scared, Gray."
"I know."
"I'm scared because last night I slept alone in a bed that smelled like you and the only thing I wanted was to go downstairs and find you on the couch and climb under the blanket with you and I didn't do it because I told myself I needed the space I asked for."
My jaw works.
"You want me to make this easier for you."
"I want you to make it harder. I want you to tell me I'm being a coward. I want you to tell me Tuesday is a bad answer. I want you to tell me that thing you were going to tell me last night before I put up a wall."
"What thing."
"The thing that was on your face. The thing you bit down on when I saidI can survive the distance."
I look at her a long second.
The wind moves the trees.
"You want me to tell you what I was going to say."
"Yes."
"I was going to say I'm in love with you."
Her face does a thing.
"I was going to say I met you Thursday and it's Saturday and I'm in love with you and I've been alone for six years and I thought the part of me that could say that was gone. And then you said you could survive the distance and I understood that I'm the only one who's not going to survive it, so I shut up."
"Gray."
"Don't."
"Gray."
"I'm not asking you to say it back. I'm telling you because you asked. And because I'm not going to be a man who lies to you because the truth is inconvenient on a Saturday. I love you. I'll love you from this cabin while you're in Toronto. I'll love you on the phone. I'll love you if you decide in a month this was anadrenaline thing and you need to be done with me. I'll love you quiet if I have to."
Her eyes are wet.
"That's not fair."
"You said you wanted harder."
"I didn't mean this hard."
"You don't get to pick the weight of it once you ask."
She puts her hands over her face.
I don't touch her.
I want to. I want to close the three feet between us and pull her into my chest and hold her until her shoulders stop doing the shake thing they're doing right now.
I don't.
Because she's going to Toronto on Tuesday and she said she needed space and I am a man who keeps his word even when it costs me.
