I’ll throw up if I want to.
‘Then who do you think has to clean it?’
Fuck. Fine. I won’t throw up. Yet.
It took a couple tries to swallow past the lump in his throat.
“Um, I don’t… I never planned on going back on the ice.”
Tobias must have been hallucinating because suddenly Josh had his arms wrapped around him in a warm hug. He couldn’t remember the last time someone outside of his family hugged him, and he had no idea what to do.
“What’s happening?” Tobias muttered.
His arms hung by his side, frozen in place by shock, but Josh kept on squeezing him. He could feel a tiny piece of the ice in him melt at the unexpected show of affection.
“Think about it, okay? It could be good for you,” Josh said quietly before he let go.
He’d never been more confused in his life.
“Okay,” was all he could say, and he awkwardly turned toward the computer at the front of the room, unsure what else he could do or say in this situation.
“All right, we’ll see you next time, Tobias,” Riley said, their footsteps fading until he was alone in the gym.
What the fuck am I going to do now?
————————
His house sat on the edge of Cherrywood and had plenty of privacy thanks to his gated entrance, surrounding wall and no neighbors for at least a hundred yards in every direction. It may have seemed like overkill, but he craved privacy and safety.
After hitting the button in his car to work the gate, he drove down the long driveway and parked his Land Rover in front of the garage.
As he got out, he double checked the gate had closed behind him and then made his way to the front door. He was still numb when he walked inside. He’d managed to keep calm for another minute after everyone left the gym before he raced to a nearby trash can, losing the contents of his stomach.
Moving like a zombie, he’d managed to lock up the gym and drive home, muscle memory thankfully taking over since his brain wasn’t functioning.
It restarted when he heard a happy squeal and little footsteps running in his direction. A moment later Madison barreled through the foyer and jumped into his arms.
She was speaking erratically about breakfast with Gigi, her name for Tobias’ mother, Grace, and he understood none of it. All he could do was hold her close and breathe her in, her happiness an anchor keeping him from drifting out to sea.
When his sister, Natalie, had Madison six years ago, he’d made a vow to protect her from all the evils of the world.
Now that Natalie was away in Colorado Springs training for the upcoming Olympic games, he was taking care of Madison. His mom moved in with him to help, since she was an insomniac and he had six a.m. classesto teach every day, and he was so thankful to have them both there. He’d just underestimated the energy it would take to watch his niece for a few months.
It was a lot easier when she was younger, happy to be entertained at home. Now that she was six, her interests demanded time outside of the house. In public. He never wanted to hold her back, but he was terrified of one big thing that made taking her around town hard for him: people.
He’d had social anxiety for as long as he could remember, and he wasn’t sure why. His mom couldn’t even figure it out, especially since his sister was such a social butterfly.
All that public attention would come back if he got on the ice again.
When he played in the NHL, he was a star.
He helped the Philly Inferno win two Stanley Cups, and he won the Vezina Trophy—an award for the goaltender of the year—three times.
Unlike the thoughts in his head, he was a quiet force on the ice. Despite hiding much of himself from the press and spectators, he’d managed to be a fan favorite, thanks to his dedication to the team on and off the ice.
After a while, none of it mattered if he wasn’t playing as his true self. Despite his social anxiety, he wanted to do everything he could for the LGBTQ+ community, and announcing his sexuality would have supported themoverwhelmingly. He’d considered coming out in the offseason after his twelfth year despite his contract being up. He figured if the Inferno didn’t want to keep him because of his sexuality, then he wouldn’t want to play there anymore, anyway. But as the time to make the announcement approached, he spiraled. His brain catastrophized and he kept overthinking about all the possible worst-case scenarios, each one more sensational than the last.
Therapy helped him dig himself out of the hole he buried himself in, and eventually he was able to find a new purpose for his life: running a successful fitness center. There was an old gym where Gym Rat Fitness stood, and the previous owner wanted to move to a warmer climate, so Tobias inherited his coaching staff. He was thankful he didn’t have to conduct dozens of interviews to hire more people.
