Shane was joking, but Tobias noticed the edge of fear in his voice. It reminded Tobias of Shane’s oldinsecurities. The net was his spot. It had been for the last three years, but the fact Shane still referred to it as Tobias’ spot said plenty. Apparently, it was something he still needed to work on, even though he’d slid into the position seamlessly.
It was a shame Tobias still had to reassure him after all these years.
“No need to worry, Kendrick,” Tobias said. “Retirement is where I’m staying.”
Despite his joking tone, he could see the tension draining from Shane.
“It suits you, although we’ve definitely missed you around the arena,” Cooper said, reaching over with his mug to clink it against Tobias’ from his spot next to Shane.
“Yeah, what did you think ‘Don’t be a stranger’ meant when I said it to you the day you left?” Grayson added, and Tobias was glad the man sat next to him so he didn’t have to stare into his dark, demanding gaze, one that made opponents quake on a daily basis.
“It’s kinda been a busy three years,” Tobias said, staring into his mug of beer.
“With your gym, you mean?” Cooper asked. “You still running that?”
“Yeah, it’s going good. I recently added yoga and these kids’ classes where they can work out alongside their parents. It’s going well so far.”
“That’s great, man!” Shane said. His support was always so in-your-face it overwhelmed people sometimes, but Tobias found it endearing.
“You ready to tell us why you retired?” Gray asked. His tone made it clear he wasn’t asking out of concern. “Ya know, since you kind of just dropped off the face of the earth?”
Tobias could have sworn the entire bar went silent.
Internally, he died a little bit, feeling like such an asshole as he thought about how much he’d left his friends in the dark all this time. He could start small and let these guys know what was really going on. Before he’d left, they’d been his best friends.
Over the last three years, he’d barely let anyone in except for his family. Every once in a while, he’d hang with the guys from the gym. He secretly loved every group chat text they sent, but it never really went both ways.
Except for Chase. He’d been a game-changer. Tobias could see how he hadn’t been living this whole time. Goosebumps sprouted on his skin as he thought about the incredible morning he was desperate to repeat. Preferably not in his gym.
Perhaps it was time to let these guys in too.
“Can you guys keep some secrets?” Tobias asked, his voice only trembling slightly.
Cooper snorted, making Tobias’ gaze snap up fromhis beer, and the guys all chuckled. Cooper had kept his bisexuality a secret for most of his life.
“You know we can,” Gray said. “We got your back no matter what, like always.”
Shane and Cooper nodded in agreement, and Tobias told himself not to cry from the support.
“I, um, I have anxiety,” he started, and he was suddenly filled with shame for not being able to open up to these guys before now. “My last year, I kind of spiraled and didn’t know up from down. The media and the fans were always difficult for me to handle, but it got so much worse that last year.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? If not to us, then why not to the team doc?” Gray said. “Why did you have to retire?”
Gray fixed Cooper and Shane with a hard stare. “This is why you don’t bottle things up. If you’re going through shit, you tell me, and we work it out together. Got it?”
Cooper and Shane nodded like good little hockey players, and Tobias sickened at the implication of his words. Could they have really helped him? What would have been different?
There was one piece of the puzzle they were still missing.
“I planned on coming out that summer. I didn’t want to play anymore if I couldn’t play as myself. You all remember what it was like when Coop came out. Theyput his whole life under a microscope.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone, but it was worth it. And I hope it gets easier for every guy who comes after me,” Cooper said, his eyes unfocused as he was lost in thought. He visibly shook himself and lit up as he turned back to Tobias. “Glad to have you in the club, though.”
“I wish we knew what you were going through so we could help,” Shane added.
Gray passed Tobias a napkin out of the holder at the end of the table, alerting Tobias to his teary eyes.
“Thanks for trusting us,” Gray said solemnly. “I understand why you felt like you couldn’t before.”
