SEVENTEEN
THE SONG OF A HEADACHE
ALEX
During times like these,I hated my ears. Whenever I thought they were giving me a break or that I had gotten used to something, everything would only grow worse. I truly believed that with Sebastian here—him being the bubbly person he is—nothing could go wrong. I thought his voice would carry me through this. That the hot tub would work like white noise. That it wouldn’t be so bad this time. But no. Sebastian’s voice still offered some relief, but every second he was silent, the weight of it all crashed down on me so hard that every muscle in my body cramped up. Now, my head buzzed, my neck was stiff, and I got dizzy just thinking about opening my eyes.
I sat there slumped over on that bench in the changing room, resting my head on my knees. The wooden slats beneath me offered support, but not warmth. The water dripping from the tips of my hair down my legs cooled me so quickly that I wished I had grabbed a towel on my way there.
Seconds went by, maybe minutes. I couldn’t tell. I only knew that time had passed when the door to the changing room slammed, making my throbbing headache worse. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t lift my head to see who had followed me.
Footsteps approached. Usually, I would have been able to tell who they belonged to. Everyone has a slightly different rhythm, and in any other situation, I could have told them apart. But this time, each step drilled into my brain as if it were trying to split my skull in two. The bench creaked as whoever it was sat down next to me.
“I’m sorry if I said something wrong or embarrassed you.”
The words—Sebastian’swords—instantly lifted some of the weight, despite the slight tremble in his voice. He swallowed and shifted in his seat, his bathing suit squeaking against the wood.
“It’s just a headache,” I said.
“You get them often, don’t you?”
“Mostly around people.”
“I hate people, too,” he chuckled for a second before it died down. “But that’s not it, is it?”
I shook my head, causing more droplets to fall from my hair onto my arms and legs.
We sat there for who knows how long, the steady wash of his breath soothing the buzzing. At first, his exhales were short and heavy, almost like the bubbles in the hot tub. But the longer we sat there, the calmer they became, like ocean waves.
“I thought I’d be better at this whole boyfriend thing, but I don’t know what to do at all,” he whispered. “Would you like a hug? Or would you rather be alone?”
“A hug sounds good,” I said, still unable to lift my head.
He leaned over my hunched body, his chest pressing against my back. His skin was partly warm and partly cool, like a patchwork quilt. The moment he settled against me, the steady beat of his heart replaced the rhythm of his breathing in my ears.
“I think it’ll take a couple more minutes,” I said.
“That’s fine.” He cradled my legs with his left arm and slung his right arm around my waist. “I like being with you.”
No one had ever been with me at a time like this before, and I couldn’t deny that I liked having him here.
“I’m extremely sensitive to noise,” I said. “It’s a gift that turns into a curse every once in a while.”
Sebastian sat up, keeping his hands where they were to maintain our connection. “So, you don’t just get headaches from my family’s loud voices?” He skimmed his fingers over my back.
Despite wanting to sit up too, I stayed down as his touch tingled pleasantly. “It’s not just your family, no. It’s a lot more complicated than that.”
His right index finger traced little pirouettes on my skin. “I’m here to listen, if you want to talk about it.”
“I can heareverything, even from far away,” I said, focusing on my surroundings. “Right now, I can still hear the water bubbling. I can hear Jack holding his breath and going under. I can hear Noah squeaking, probably because Jack’s teasing him.” I hugged my legs in. “Is that crazy?”
“I believe you if that’s what you’re asking. You noticed things in the tracks we recorded that I wouldn’t have caught in a million years. Sometimes, you reacted to noises in the house long before I heard them. I wondered about that, but I didn’t realize it was such a problem.”
“When I’m out of the house, or at gatherings, or anywhere with a lot of people around, it can be overwhelming. I’ve found that listening to music helps me drown out the noise. With music, I can somehow concentrate in a way I can’t with anything else I’ve tried. That’s why I bring my headphones everywhere. I love in-ears because I can hide them behind my hair when it wouldn’t be appropriate to wear them. But I don’t want to put them in when I’m with friends, because then I can’t hear what people are saying. And I definitely can’t wear them in a hot tub.”
“What about earplugs?”
“I tried that, but it doesn’t have the same effect. They muffle sounds, sure, but I still get headaches. Only music distracts me enough.”
