But now wasn’t the time to think about all of that.
After spending a little bit of time with Remy, the doctor prescribed several tests.
“What are you checking for?” Darcy demanded.
The doctor looked serious. “We’re going to check her hearing,” he said. “Among other cognitive issues.”
Panic thundered through Darcy. “Her hearing? Her ears?”
The doctor nodded. Steven looked distraught. That night, they ordered pizza and looked at one another across the tableas their babies slept upstairs. Had they done something wrong? Had they done something to cause this? Darcy counted back all the failures she’d ever displayed as a mother. She thought about the snacks she’d made for them. Had they been healthy enough? She thought about the sunshine she’d allowed them and the television that had maybe been turned on for too long. She thought and cried and worried. But all they could do was wait.
Meanwhile, via text message with her mother, Darcy continued to pretend that everything was all right. Sam and Estelle had gone through Philadelphia and into Cleveland and on to Washington, DC, each time receiving massive crowds who adored Estelle’s books. In photographs, Darcy marveled that her grandmother looked ten years younger than she had the previous year. The book tour appeared to have rejuvenated her.
During Remy’s tests, Darcy stayed by her side throughout, while Steven remained at home with Gavin. Darcy reminded herself to be upbeat, to pretend that nothing was wrong. Now that they were questioning Remy’s hearing, it seemed tremendously clear that Remy struggled to understand what was going on, that perhaps that had been going on for longer than any of them had realized. Darcy felt a shame that only a mother could. “How could I have let it get so bad?” she asked the doctor, tears in her eyes.
“It happens all the time,” the doctor replied.
During the second week of July, Remy was diagnosed with total deafness in her left ear and partial deafness in her right. “But there are things to be done,” the doctor told Darcy and Steven, as they gripped each other’s hands and gaped at him. “The world is a different place than it used to be. The available medical procedures mean she will hear again, in some way or another.”
But that night at Darcy and Steven’s place, everything felt like doom and gloom. Darcy couldn’t stop crying, andeventually, Gavin padded downstairs from his bedroom to ask her what was wrong. Darcy quieted immediately and hugged Gavin, telling him that everything would be all right. But Gavin patted her shoulder and told her he was there for her, if she needed anything. That broke her heart even more.
With a baby monitor in hand to monitor the goings-on in the house, Darcy and Steven went outside to walk along the sand and put their feet in the water. At thirty-two, Darcy felt older than any person in the entire world. Steven rubbed her back and reminded her they were in this together, as a family. She knew she needed to call her mother soon, to call her back to Nantucket. She would need her. But she didn’t want to break up Estelle and Sam’s travel bubble. It looked beautiful and free.
“What if she never hears the sea?” Darcy whispered, listening as the water rushed onto shore and receded. “What if she never hears music, or doesn’t know the sound of our voices?”
“You heard the doctor,” Steven told her, kissing her cheek, then her forehead. “We can attack this head-on.”
“But what if it doesn’t work?” Darcy felt heavy with regret and uncertainty. She wondered if she was being overly dramatic, if Steven would eventually tell her to get a hold of herself. Maybe somebody needed to.
But that night, after Steven had fallen asleep beside her, Darcy allowed herself another stalking of Rachelle’s social media. In several photographs, Rachelle was seen with Riccardo, taste-testing the wedding cake for their big day. They looked smitten, smiling, sometimes with frosting on their lips. Rachelle had posted them with the caption: Who wants to guess which one we chose? Hint: it’s a flavor that we don’t usually have in America! I’m going full Italian, baby!
Darcy’s heart dropped into her stomach. She pressed on the DM button, then prepared to write her sister now, from here in the darkness of her bed. But what could she possibly say? Itwas clear that Rachelle had moved leaps and bounds away from Nantucket Island and from Darcy. It was clear that she never thought about them.
Remy’s illness was nothing that Rachelle would care about. Rachelle had hardly even met Remy, in fact. She’d held her in her arms just the one time, and Darcy had sensed that she’d wanted to give her back to Darcy as soon as possible. She’d been uncomfortable and an aunt in name alone.
12
Paris, France
It was nearly mid-July when Estelle and Sam journeyed from the United States to Paris. At Charles de Gaulle Airport, they collected their bags, smiling through their jet lag as they sailed through French accents and dropped into a waiting taxi out front. It was in the mid-seventies and gorgeous, with bright blue skies above. When Estelle saw the Eiffel Tower through the taxi window, she shrieked with excitement. Sam took her hand. They’d done it! Their book tour had made it overseas!
Sam and Estelle had rented a midsized apartment not far from the Shakespeare bookstore in the 5th arrondissement, the same one where Ernest Hemingway had hung out in the 1920s. Out their windows, they could see the narrow alleyways below, where tourists and locals alike walked, ate crepes, and carried baguettes wherever they went. Estelle couldn’t believe that it really fit every cliché. “Look at the fashion!” she called over her shoulder to Sam, who was unpacking in her own room.“Everyone looks incredible. I think I need to go shopping before the reading tonight! I don’t want to embarrass myself.”
And shop, they did. Along Saint-Germain-des-Prés, they went in and out of boutiques, carrying bags of dresses, silk tops, and leather boots. Midafternoon, they paused at an outdoor café, where they shared a large Niçoise salad and a bottle of rosé wine. Estelle raised her chin to bask in the sunlight, suddenly unafraid of anything that the world might bring her way. She was in Paris! She could handle anything.
“Darcy’s been a little bit quiet this week,” Sam mentioned, sipping her wine, her eyes slightly shadowed.
“I’m sure she’s busy with the kids,” Estelle said.
“I’m sure! And she mentioned she wanted to keep working on a potential app idea,” Sam said. “So I’m sure she’s busy with that.”
“And she probably wishes she could be in Paris with us,” Estelle said. “Jealousy is a powerful thing.”
“It really is.” Sam smiled.
Estelle felt sorrowful for Sam, of course. Sam had already lost Rachelle. She didn’t want to lose Darcy, too.
But there was no losing Darcy, Estelle felt. Darcy was locked into Nantucket life.
