“I know tonight was a disappointment.I wish it had been different.”
Jem reached back and punched the pillow a few times like he was trying to fix it.For someone so averse to physical activity that he had once bragged about the Saturday he hadn’t left the couch for twelve hours, quote,not even to pee, he had nice arms: big but not too big, muscled in a way that was unmistakably masculine.He put his hands behind his head.His biceps looked huge.And staring up at the ceiling, he said, “I’m going to pay her back.”
It took Tean a moment to say, “What?”
“All that money.If Gerald has his panties in a twist because of it, I’m going to pay her back.”
“I don’t think they want you to pay them back, Jem.”
“I didn’t ask for that money.”
“I know.”
“She sent it to me.She mailed me those fucking checks even when I wasn’t cashing them.”
“Some couples have a hard time talking about money, and if we take Gerald at his word, he controls the finances.Maybe she wasn’t completely honest with Gerald about why she was sending those checks.”
“Maybe?”Jem raised his head because apparently this comment was too much to be believed.“Of course she lied to him.She definitely didn’t tell him that she stole my identity and ruined my credit score and, oh yeah, fucked everything up for me so bad that I’ll never be able to have a normal life.”He punched the pillow again.Moved it around.Squished it under his neck.
“Jem.”But then Tean stopped.“Is that what you think?”
“He wants to know why I didn’t go to college.I didn’t go to college because I didn’t graduate high school because I was in kiddie jail.”
“Hold on—”
“I didn’t go to college because I couldn’t read because I had a fucking learning disability and nobody caught it or cared because I was in one bounce house after another.”He was staring up at the ceiling again.“Sorry, Gerald.That’s why I’m not a lawyer or a doctor or whatever.I mean, what did she even fucking tell him?She put me with a nice family because she was too young, and I managed to fuck up my entire life all on my own?”
That probablywaswhat she had told Gerald.At least, that’s what Tean would have guessed, based on how the evening had gone.But he only said, “Do you really think your entire life is fucked up?”
Jem didn’t say anything for a long time.Finally, though, in a tired voice, he said, “Swear jar.”
“We’re not doing that right now.I asked you a question.”
“Okay, but wearedoing it, because the swear jar is serious, and you said one of the five-dollar ones, and this is literally our Disney fund.And you know it costs extra to take Scipio.”
Tean sensed the bait and avoided it.Instead, he said, “I don’t want to minimize the disadvantages and the challenges and—and howawfulyour childhood was, Jem.I don’t.Because I know I don’t even know all of it.And because I’m so proud of you for turning out to be such an amazing man in spite of it.But whatever you’re unhappy with in your life right now, I want to work on it.We can make it better.I know the call center isn’t your favorite job.What about going back to school?I know we’ve talked about it before, but—”
“No.”Jem’s eyes looked dry, but he wiped them anyway.“No, the call center is fine.”
“I don’t want you to spend your life doing something ‘fine.’”
“God, how do you manage to make invisible air quotes sound petty as fuck?That’s, like, a gift.”
“Jem.”
“It’s fine.It’s all good.He just got under my skin.”Jem patted the bed.“Lie down.”When Tean didn’t move, he patted the bed again and said, “Come on, lie down.”
So, Tean stretched out next to him.Jem’s breathing sounded loud in the room.Where his arm touched Tean’s, his body was rigid.
Finally, Tean said, “The pillows aren’t great.”
“Yeah,” Jem said.
And it felt like even longer before Tean said, “Also, swear jar.”
“Doesn’t count.It’s too late.”
Tean ran his hand down Jem’s arm.Faint blond hairs tickled his palm.His fingers skated across Jem’s knuckles, and he whispered, “I just want you to be happy.”
