“—don’tknow, actually,” Jem was saying when the static faded.“So, quit saying we know she did it.”
Be calm, he thought.You have to be calm.You have to be nice.You have to be kind.You have to be patient.You have to be all those things, forever.And you can never say what you want.
And then he couldn’t think anymore.It was like someone had yanked all the wiring.The only thing left was a dark space inside his head.
He said, “She abandoned you.”
He saw the tears in Jem’s eyes a moment before Jem blinked them away.Jem pushed past him and out into the bedroom.
“Where are you going?”Tean said.“There’s nowhere to go.”
Jem kept moving.He left the bedroom.
Tean made it as far as the doorway before he said, “She left you, Jem.Why are you trying to protect her?She never protected you.”
Jem was shaking out his coat.He stopped.His throat moved once.And then, voice husky, he said, “Fuck off.”
“She ruined your life.”
Jem didn’t move for a moment.And then he gave the coat another shake.
“She walked out on you, Jem.She left you.And do you know what?Maybe I could forgive her for that, if that’s all it was.But it’s not.She stole from you.She destroyed your credit.And you know what’s even worse?”
“You need to stop talking.”
“She didn’t come back for you.She didn’t look for you.She didn’t even know if you were alive.”
Jem made that huffing sound again, the one that was almost a laugh.He slipped one arm into the coat.“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“What the fuck is wrong with me?What the fuck is wrong withyou?Why do you keep letting her do this to you?Why do you let her hurt you over and over again?”
Jem stood there, the coat hanging from one shoulder.
“Do you know what kills me?”Tean said.“She’s never apologized.Not once.”
“She didn’t leave.”
The words were so quiet Tean almost didn’t hear them.He didn’t care.“What happens when it comes up?What happens when we have to talk about the fact that you were in foster care, or that you didn’t go to high school, or that you never had a chance to go to college?”
“They took me.She didn’t leave.”
“She acts like she didn’t hear.She looks away.She waits for the subject to change.Or she changes it herself.”
Jem’s throat moved again in a silent swallow.
“Has she ever once said she was sorry?Has she ever once told you she wished things had been different, or she knew she’d done something wrong, or she wanted to make it up to you?”When Jem didn’t say anything, Tean said, “Of course she hasn’t.”
The compressor in the little fridge kicked on.
“Say something,” Tean said.
Jem shook his head.But he said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want you to say you’re angry!I want you to say you didn’t deserve that!”Tean was shouting; he couldn’t seem to rein himself in.“She ruined your life, Jem!She fucked up any chance you had at a future!She was supposed to take care of you!She was supposed to make you feel loved and safe!She was supposed to help you!And instead she ruined everything!”
The words echoed in his head:They ruined everything.They ruined everything.Oh my God, they ruined my whole life.And the sudden need to sob rose up in Tean until his throat clenched.
Snuffling, Jem pulled the coat on the rest of the way.Red-rimmed eyes watched Tean.Held his reflection in unshed tears.
