“Yeah.” He bit his bottom lip, blue-grey gaze meeting mine with a trace of uncertainty that immediately set me on edge. “I don’t regret it,” he said quickly, easily reading me like I should’ve expected. “It’s just… we’d only begun to explore the new dynamic to our relationship, and then everything went to shit. We’ve been so busy missing what we could’ve had, I feel like we’ve forgotten what wecanhave.”
I got what he was saying, I did, but... “It’s not just what we could’ve had, Jake. It’s what we mightneverget to have again.” I sucked in a breath. Was I the only one who felt like I’d lost something precious?
“Fuck.” His grip tightened, as though he expected me to snatch my hand back, and to be honest the thought had crossed my mind. “I’m not saying this right, judging by the look on your face.”
“Got to say I’m not really feeling the love here.” I tried for a smile, but my mouth wouldn’t cooperate, and Jake cursed again. Frustration rolled off him, infecting me, and the last thing I wanted to do was argue. This wasJake, for fuck’s sake. Our relationship might be all kinds of messed up at the minute, but the one constant in all of this was that I knew he’d never willingly hurt me. Not if he had a choice. Forcing myself to calm down, I closed my eyes and tugged his hand into my lap. “Try again, then. Tell me what you’re thinking in simple terms I can understand, because my brain hurts after today.”
His huff of laughter was what I’d been hoping to hear, the smile clear in his voice when he started talking again. “I miss being close, like we are now. Sitting here together enjoying each other’s company without constantly wishing we could touch more, kiss more, and everything else Xen banned us from doing. I want to cuddle on the sofa, maybe watch some TV, or talk for hours about everything and nothing, laugh, complain, gossip, what-the-fuck-ever…” He let out a heavy sigh. His hand on my jaw had me opening my eyes to look at him. “I still want to touch you, kiss you,fuckyou.”
I swallowed thickly, heart thudding behind my ribs.
His eyes blazed. “Don’t think for one second that the ache for all of those things doesn’t run bone deep. I wanteverythingwith you.” The fire in his gaze settled to something softer but just as intense. “That’s not an option right now, but this is.” He raised our joined hands. “And maybe we should take this opportunity to get to know each other all over again, as more than friends.”
I cocked my head to the side, giving his words the consideration they deserved. “You think we need that?” Jake was my best friend. Up until he’d said that, I’d thought I knew all there was to know.
He shrugged. “I don’t know. But the last couple of months… it’s beenhard, Max. Like we’ve been tiptoeing around each other, with Xen’s order driving a wedge between us.” His smile turned sad. “I get the feeling you’re pulling back from us.”
I winced because he wasn’t wrong.
“Are you going to cut me out of your life if we can’t fix this?” His breath hitched when I didn’t automatically deny it. Couldn’t, because the thought had crossed my mind more than once.
“It won’t come to that,” I said instead, but we both knew I couldn’t promise that.
“It might.” Jake reached for my other hand and tugged until I turned my body to face him properly. “And I’ll admit, there’ve been times where I thought going our separate ways was the only answer, but I was wrong. I can’t do this without you,” he whispered. “Whatever happens, I need you in my life, Max.” He blinked back tears, and he might as well have grabbed my heart and squeezed it because seeing him like this hurt.
I leant forward and rested our heads together, craving the contact. I needed him in my life too, in any capacity. I’d been fooling myself to think otherwise. “Okay.”
“Okay?” The hope in his voice told me I’d made the right decision.
“You won’t lose me, Jake.” I pulled back to show him I meant every word. “Whatever happens.”
“Thank you.”
I wasn’t naive enough to think it wouldn’t almost break me if I had to watch Jake with someone else, but if friendship was all we could have, then I’d take it. We’d figure out a way to get through it, because losing him altogether wasn’t an option.
“So,” he said, wiping his eyes, his smile reappearing. “Now we’ve got all that out of the way, I want to cuddle on the sofa and watch a shitty film that we can take the piss out of.”
I smiled back at him, feeling lighter than I had in days. Weeks maybe. Nothing about our situation had changed, but Jake was right. We needed to enjoy each other in all the ways that we could and not waste time dwelling on things we couldn’t change.
Leaning back against the corner of the sofa, I got comfy and opened my arms. Jake settled into my side with a sigh, my arms draped around his shoulders.
I let him choose a film, not caring what it was because my eyes were already dropping closed. He laughed when he noticed, pulling my arm around his waist and snuggling in. His scent filled my lungs with each inhale, both familiar and exciting. The warmth of his body seeped into mine, drawing a contented hum from me as I pulled him a little closer and blocked everything else from my mind except the weight of Jake pressed against me.
No more whining over what we couldn’t do. No more avoiding him because it was too hard not to touch him like I wanted.
If I only had Jake for a little while longer, then I was going to make the most of every second.
“Morning.”I grinned as Mase came to an abrupt stop in the doorway to our office.
His eyes narrowed. “You’re in early. And you’re smiling.”
That almost wiped the smile off my face. Had I really been that bad lately? Clearly I had if something that used to be second nature now caused Mase to look at me like I had two heads.
I sighed. “I guess I’ve gained a little perspective.”
“Meaning?” He walked into our office and perched on the edge of his desk, facing me.
Guess we were talking about this then. What I wouldn’t give to be able to tell him everything about this whole sorry mess, but since that was impossible, I cherry-picked the things that I could talk about, details that would make sense and not leave him with more questions that I was forbidden to answer.
