Zane tried to pull her close, but she brushed away his arm, revulsion for having to admit that ripping at her soul. “I’ve told you I’m not good. I’m not a good person like everyone thinks. I hated my husband for putting all those people above me and saving them.”
“Don’t say that,” Zane whispered softly.
“It’s true and you might as well know what kind of person I am.” Another sob fell past her lips. “I couldn’t understand why he didn’t save himself and come home to me? They were strangers to him. So yes, I hated every one of them for taking him away from me. They were all alive and going on with their lives, and my husband was dead. I was so selfish. I hated him when Stewart was anything but selfish. He was a hero. That’s what makes me a horrible person.”
She choked back a sob but the next one she couldn’t hold inside. Nor the next. Suddenly she was wrappedin Zane’s strong arms, her face pressed into his naked chest as she poured her heart out.
He held her close, rubbed her back, kissed the top of her head, and all she could do was weep.
When her tears and sniffling subsided, Zane took hold of her shoulders and forced her to face him. “You’re not a bad person for feeling that way. I’d bloody well be furious too.”
“You would?”
“Anyone would be,” he said in a tender voice. “There’s no greater sorrow than the bone-shuddering loss of a loved one. All your feelings are understandable.” He reached and pulled the sheet around her shoulders. “You’re not selfish, Brina. At nineteen, your soul had been shattered. You were sad and hurting.”
“But I hated him for a time. I hated all of them, and I live every day with such scorching regret that I ever thought such things as wishing they’d never been saved.”
“I know,” he whispered softly, drying her face with his hand. “You were human. That’s all.”
“I’ve tried so hard every day to make up for those terrible feelings. I want to help everyone, hoping I can in some way make atonement for all those revolting things I thought and felt for a time.”
“First,” he said and lifted her chin with his fingertips. He gave her a smile. “You don’t have to work off feelings you had while mourning. No one expects that of anyone. But even if you did, believe me—with all that you have done for the sisters, the girls, and everyone else in Town—you have more than made up for any bad feelings you had. Brina, you can’t carry guilt for emotions that are natural, a part of life, and even expected when a loved one dies.”
“Mine were excessively so,” she added, blinking away more tears. “I know that. I felt so much anguish, Ithought I might be losing my mind. So did my parents. They were so worried they wouldn’t allow me to be alone for fear I might harm myself.”
He looked directly in her eyes. “But you didn’t.”
She shook her head and swallowed hard.
“What happened to help you get over the hurt?”
“Meeting Julia and Adeline, and their idea for the school to help girls whose family members died with ours. Suddenly there was someone who needed something from me in the same way as Stewart had helped those who needed him. Stewart was gone, but I was alive and could continue his example by helping others. The school gave me the opportunity to not think about myself or my loss, but to think about what I could do for others.”
Zane reached over and tenderly kissed her forehead again. “You are a person who feels emotions deeply. That’s why you were so extremely wounded. It takes time for hurts like that to mend.”
“It’s why I never want to marry again.”
“No, Brina,” he whispered.
“It’s true. I never want the possibility of feeling that intense anger at someone I love. I never want to bear the guilt again for hating someone I never met. Loving is too hard and brings out the worst in me. I don’t want to ever be that way again. That’s why I didn’t want to love you. And that’s why I can’t marry you.”
“Wait.” He brushed her hair again and softly kissed her lips. “You don’t want to love me, but you do?”
She nodded. “I do love you, but I can’t marry you because I couldn’t bear going through what happened after Stewart died again.”
Zane held her close and breathed in long and deep. “Let’s start with you loving me as I love you. Just love me, Brina. That’s all I’m asking for. We’ll get to marriagetomorrow or the next day, or next month. All I want to hear you say right now is that you love me. All the rest will come later.”
“I love you, and—” He placed his fingertips over her lips.
“No. Don’t say any more. Not tonight. Let’s have this time together with just the two of us. Loving each other. No past for either of us. No guilt, no bargains. Not even tomorrow. Only us tonight.”
Brina reached over and claimed his lips.
Chapter 24
Zane looked in the mirror as he tied his neckcloth. A simple but elegant knot and a small amount of lace around the cuff of his sleeve would please Brina. He’d shaved that morning but had wanted to shave again before dressing for the dinner in his home. It hadn’t taken long, and he wanted to do everything within his power to make sure she was happy for this event she had planned.
Perhaps hosting all the peers in Town was a good idea. There would be matters they’d have to work on together from time to time. He wanted to get to know Lord Lyonwood better and, once his bargain with Brina was at an end, he hoped to join the man’s club. But for tonight, he wanted to make sure every duke, earl, and viscount knew they could count on him for whatever they might need if the occasion arose.
