“It’s true. She was right to refuse my offer. I would be giving extra handfuls to the elderly or people with children and then others would be left without anything to take with them. The sisters do it as equitable as possible. They have learned how to be compassionate while being dispassionate. Very difficult to do. They are good at being kind and just to everyone who comes for help.”
“What you’re doing is kind too.” His eyes softened. “Why does it trouble you so to be thought of that way?”
Because she knew how truly awful she’d once been.
Zane touched her cheek again, this time letting his fingers trail over her jaw, down her neck and arm, where he caught her hand in his. Squeezing her fingers, he brought her hand up to his lips and kissed the back of her palm. His touch was warm. The small gesture comforted her.
“How did you get started doing this?” he asked as he continued his hold on her hand and placed it on his chest over his heart. “Did the sisters ask for your help?”
Brina felt her defenses weakening. She didn’t know why but suddenly wanted him to know. But how much did she want to tell him?
Understanding filled his eyes and expression. Brina was drawn even more to him. Beneath her hand, his chest was warm, solid. There was such strength in him and she wanted to rely on it.
He lightly squeezed her palm again. “Tell me.”
“By chance I was riding by the abbey and saw a long line of poorly clothed men, women, and children. They passed by a table where a sister dipped into a large pot and filled their cups and bowls with soup. Another sister would hand them a piece of bread. Not far away, another table was set up where sisters handed out bandages and little bags, something like the ones I’m making here.Later, I found out they were filled with herbs that had healing qualities. I went back several times to watch before I had the nerve to go inside and actually talk to one of the sisters.”
His gaze was compelling. “Surely they were happy to have caught your interest.”
All the inadequacies she felt after that first visit came crashing down on her and for an instant she didn’t think she could continue but then she felt Zane’s heartbeat beneath her hand. “Not at all, but surely you don’t want to know about any of this,” she said dismissively. It was another part of her past she kept hidden. She pulled her hand away from Zane’s grasp and walked to the window to look over the small garden.
He followed and touched her shoulder affectionately. “Of course I do. I want to know everything about you.”
Keeping her gaze set on the view from the windowpane, she whispered, “It’s not easy to talk about one’s shortcomings.”
“Do you have any?”
His tone seemed sincere, not sarcastic, and without really knowing why, she turned to him and said, “I told Sister Francine I wanted to join the abbey to help them take care of unfortunate people.”
He blinked and his brows rose.
“You look as shocked as Julia did the day I told her I wanted to leave my place in Society.”
“I am,” he admitted honestly. “Making it possible for unfortunate people to have a cup of tea is a long way from taking a vow of poverty, service, and celibacy.”
“I know.” She offered a bit of a sad smile. “The sisters do so much selfless work for others. They are strong, good-hearted women, and I have such admiration for them and all they do. I wanted to be a part of that. I felt if I could be good enough, help them, and help enoughpeople, I could redeem—” She stopped and swallowed hard.
He gently took hold of her shoulders and squeezed only enough to let her know what she was saying was important to him. “Redeem what?”
She appreciated the shimmering light of concern that shone in his eyes and the earnest, honest appeal to have her tell him more, but she couldn’t. She didn’t want him or anyone to know all her past. As it was, she’d already said too much.
“Too many things,” she finally said. “The sisters rise in the mornings thinking,How many suffering people can I help today? I rise and say,What will I play on the pianoforte this morning? What dress will I wear to the park this afternoon or to a dinner party this evening?My life was so empty, and helping people who truly need it was the only way I could think to help myself.”
A sad laugh escaped past her lips and she shook her head. She didn’t know if she could ever make up for her past. “Sister Francine took one look at me and knew I couldn’t handle what would have been required of me physically or mentally. In my desperation at the time, I didn’t believe her, but she was so right.”
“I have my own reasons for being glad she recognized you shouldn’t join the abbey.” He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her as he reached down and kissed her forehead, letting his lips trickle down to below her eyes before whispering, “But I refuse to believe you wouldn’t have been strong enough to handle it. You certainly seem to grasp how to handle me, and that is no easy task.”
Brina found herself amused by his last comment and snuggled deeper into his comforting embrace, laying her check against his warm chest. “I can’t handle you at all. You frustrate me at almost every turn. And I foundI’m not suited for a complete life of servitude, no matter my protests to the opposite at the time. Unfortunately, it took me a while to realize that while my intentions were quite admirable, they were not practical for me.”
“What happened to make you aware of it?”
“Actually, Julia helped me realize my inadequacies by proving to me that I didn’t know how to care for myself, so I certainly couldn’t take care of anyone else. I didn’t realize how sheltered my life had been and how incapable I was until I tried to do something. After a disastrous afternoon in a kitchen, trying to cook a meal, I concluded it would be best to aid the sisters in other ways. As I do now.”
Brina raised her head and glanced over at the tea, cloth, and string, before looking back to Zane.
“I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I’ve never told anyone I was thinking of joining the abbey. Adeline and Julia know, of course, and the sisters. But no one else. I’ve never wanted others to know I failed.”
“Failed?” He grimaced. “What rubbish.” His arms tightened around her and he kissed the top of her forehead again. “You didn’t fail. You learned a lesson. An important lesson. Different people are suited for different lives.”
