“I’m sure I’ll survive,” he answered on a frustrated sigh.
Hawk ran his hand through his hair and silently swore the vilest word he knew before saying, “Now that we have the insults out of the way, Loretta, can we talk?”
“There’s really nothing I have to say.”
“Well, I do. I know you’re angry with me for wanting you, for helping you to want me, but you can’t deny the passion you were feeling in my arms. It was as real as what I was feeling for you. It is there, whether we are kissing, or just looking at each other, or if you are at Mammoth House and I’m in London. My desire for you never diminishes.And if you are truthful, I think you will admit that you feel the same about me.”
“It would be useless to deny it. I agree you saw and felt my yearning for you.”
He needed to know. “Then why stop us?”
“You must know why I can’t give in to the madness that I feel for you,” she pleaded.
“The vow?” He pushed the word past his teeth as if it were a foul taste in his mouth.
“I thought so the first time we kissed, and maybe the second time, too. I told you I considered chastity a part of my vow. I’m sure it was implied. Though if it was just my purity that troubled me, I believe I could live with that because I never said the words about chastity aloud in the church. I never even thought about purity or innocence when I vowed not to marry. But that’s not all that keeps me from—continuing.”
He didn’t like seeing her uncomfortable, struggling for the right words to say, but he had to know.
“What else could there be? You don’t mean—” He really didn’t know how to say it, either. Men didn’t talk about a woman being in the family way.
“Yes,” she finally said. “I’m not wise to a lot of the things that go on between a man and a woman, but I do know if we go further I could be left with child.”
He stepped closer to her again. “Loretta, I would never—”
“Abandon me?” she interrupted, and raised her hand to keep him from coming closer. “Since you wanted to know, let me talk first. Please.”
His throat was tight, full of what he wanted to say, but he gave in to her wishes and nodded.
“It’s more than just knowing that my uncle would disown me if I was in the family way. Though he’s been veryharsh and unforgiving to me, I don’t want to disrespect his house again. I did that once, and it took me a long time to forgive myself for doing it, and even longer to forgive him for his reaction.”
“Banishing you. You forgave him for that?”
“Yes,” she said softly. “I did. Probably only because it made my life easier to bear and to accept.”
“But you—”
“Let me say it all while I can, Hawk,” she asked of him again. “And then I’ll hear you out.”
Uncertainty flickered in her eyes and he nodded again, though he could tell she struggled to gather and control her emotions as she put into words what she wanted to say.
“I know you’re going to insist that you would take care of me and the child, should there be one, and we would want for nothing. I believe that. You’re an honorable man.”
Her features softened, her body relaxed more, and all he could think was that he wanted to hold her. “I would love to have a child.”
He watched her eyes glow with expectancy and love at the thought.
“You see, I think I would be fine if that happened between us. But what wouldn’t be all right with me is that my child would grow up without a father who acknowledged him with his name. Bearing the shame of never being recognized in Society as anyone’s son, or daughter. I won’t do that to a child of mine.”
“There are things that can prevent a babe.”
“I know.”
Hawk’s eyebrows rose.
She blew out a little laugh. “There are many books in Mammoth House. Some that I’m sure my uncle doesn’t even know about, that have been left there over the years by heaven only knows who. I have read about what youspeak of, but all precautions are still risky at best. I won’t be fooled by any of those devices or methods.”
He shook his head slightly. “I wasn’t trying to fool you.”
