“Kiss me,” she said.
He did. He kissed her with the intense passion that she relished because it spoke of his need for her. But then he ended it, pulling away while hunger still burned in his eyes.
“Lucas?”
“I will not do more, Diana. Please do not tempt me.”
“But—”
“No. You have had your first quickening. Is that not enough for you?”
Of course it was enough for her. She had been surviving for so long on so little that tonight’s experience felt like enough happiness to fill an entire life. But she wasn’t thinking about herself. She knew that men needed their release.
“I don’t understand you, Lucas. Why won’t you take what I freely offer?”
“Because it’s too soon.”
She lifted her head, the joy in her body fading as she faced yet another man who tried to tell her what was best for her. “You think you know better than I?” she asked, her voice silky-smooth.
He arched a brow, clearly hearing the warning in her tone. “Diana—”
“Why do you think you can tell me how to behave? Have I not proven I can survive? That I can stand when everyone else wants me to crawl?”
“Diana!” he said, his voice exasperated. “You have done that and more. Of course.”
“Then—”
“I have my own honor,” he said, his voice rough. “War stripped everything from me. My title was not proof against the resentment of my own men. My skills were not enough to stop artillery. My body was not strong enough to keep fighting when my men still needed me. And I could not stop my parents from declaring me dead and being grateful for the loss.”
She blew out a breath. “That’s not true.” At least it wasn’t for his father. His mother clearly had a favorite child, and it wasn’t Lucas.
He brushed her words away. “When I lay shivering with fever, not knowing if I lived or died, one question kept plaguing me.”
She held her tongue, waiting for whatever he was struggling to express. And while she waited, she settled differently on the bed such that she was still touching him, but she could now see his face clearly.
“I kept thinking, why am I still alive? Why haven’t the bullets, the fever, or even the enemy put paid to my existence? Why did I still breathe when all I wanted was to finally rest.”
She bit her lip. “What’s the answer?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s the answer, Diana. I don’t know why I still breathe, but as long as I do, I cannot put faith in anything I once believed. Not my country, my title, my body, or even my own will. I couldn’t even force myself to live or die. That was in God’s hands.”
She stroked her hand across his clenched hand. How had he gone from what they’d just done to this angry place where he banged his fist down on his thigh?
“You are a man of extraordinary willpower. I doubt you would have survived otherwise.”
He shook his head. “It’s not my willpower that is strong, Diana. It’s the knowledge that I will choose honorably where I have choice.”
“Of course,” she said as she sat up and faced him, but even as she spoke, he shook his head.
“It’s not ‘of course.’ A man has two choices when he is stripped down to nothing. He can indulge in every whim to satisfy the moment, or he can decide to give meaning to his actions.”
“And that’s honor?”
“It is for me. Did you ever wonder how I ended up as a guard in a gaming hell?”
“You know I do.” She leaned forward. “You don’t usually answer my questions.” She was grateful that he wanted to talk now.
He shrugged. “Sometimes it’s hard to explain. I went into the Lyon’s Den because it was warm, and I was cold. Normally I wouldn’t have been allowed in.” He smiled. “Their clientele dresses much better than I do, but the doorman, Nick, was inside trying to subdue a violent drunk. As I watched, he got punched hard enough that he lost his front teeth. For the rest of his life, Nick had to chew on the side of his mouth rather than eat like a normal man, all because a drunkard cared more about what he wanted than what his actions meant for everyone else.” He shook his head. “I saw it happen and grew so angry that I stepped in, got the idiot in a headlock, and marched him out the door. I was offered a job five minutes after that.”
