Nothing about this place is familiar. But I’ve studied every photograph I could find during my stay here so far. Aside from recognizing my face—simply from my reflection—and my sister’s, nothing has triggered for me yet.
“I don’t want to go,” I grit out.
My mother swallows hard with watery eyes. “Neither do I, sweetheart. But we put off your sister’s funeral as long as wecould. There’s no part of me or your dad that wants to say goodbye to her, but it’s time. If any of us are going to have a chance at healing, we have to do this. She needs to be laid to rest.”
The fury I feel at her words builds inside my chest and I can’t help but tell her how I feel. Laying my sister to rest won’t fix anything. It’s going to create a bigger hole in my heart and take an even bigger piece of my soul.
“I know she’s your child, but she’s my sister. Not just my sister…my twin. I may not have my memory right now, and maybe I’ll never get it back, but I have what I know in my heart to be true. I’ve been with her my entire life, and I don’t know how to live without her. So, I don’t know how to say goodbye. Laying her to rest does not equate to me moving forward or on or whatever ridiculous notion you’re getting at. I’ll always be stuck in this place without her,” I almost shout.
I try and fail to stand as my dad enters the room. I drop back down into my wheelchair in momentary defeat as tears track down my face the same way they have almost every day since I woke up to this living nightmare.
“Let me help you, London,” he says rushing toward me.
“I don’t want help! I want my memories back! I want to walk again on my own! I want my sister to be alive! I want everyone’s hearts to be back in one piece again! But that’s never going to happen now! The moment you make me say goodbye to Lennon is the moment another piece of me is gone forever with her! Don’t you understand?” I shout through the gaping, painful hole in my heart.
“I might be here physically, but you lost me the night you lost her!”
My dad stands there with his jaw clenched. I’m not making this any easier on them, and it’s not fair, but I can’t help it. These overwhelming emotions have no other place to go.
“I’ll call Hendrix, then,” my mother says from behind my dad.
“No. I don’t want to talk to him right now. After today, I think I should go to my place.”
“We’ll see. But for now, it’s time to go whether any of us want to or not,” my dad says firmly.
So many faces.Hendrix and Dash both linger close by, and my parents hover even closer. I feel like I could suffocate under the weight of grief. I keep glancing to where my twin’s lifeless body lies in the casket as if she can hear my thoughts. Like somehow, she holds all the answers. And truth be told, she probably does.
A security detail stands just outside the double doors of the church. Apparently, Dash wasn’t joking about my sister being a racer. She’s a professional race car driver. Was…I mean.
Once the service is over, everyone has said their goodbyes except me. My parents wisely decided to give me space although they’re nearby. Hendrix is in the pew still staring at the casket even though he never actually came close to it. He looks like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. And Dash stands just feet behind me.
I try to push myself up and everyone starts to move in to help me before I throw my good hand up to stop them. I’m still weak and I hurt all over, but I push through the pain as my unsteady form manages to hold upright so I can whisper one more time to my sister.
I smile down at her through watery eyes. “I wish you hadn’t left me. Everything is so messed up. I wish you could tell me what’s real and what’s not; tell me what’s true. But just knowthat I’ll always be holding your hand. Just like you asked me to,” I whisper as I gently touch her folded hands.
“Even if I can’t in this life anymore, I know I’ll see you in my dreams. My soul will always be linked to yours. And when I get my memory back, I’ll keep living for the both of us somehow. Promise,” I whisper as I say goodbye with the only words I can muster. For me, this isn’t a goodbye, it’s “I’ll see you later.”
I feel Dash’s heavy hand on my shoulder, and I grab it and squeeze his fingers as he helps me drop back into my chair. I keep my gaze on the floor as he pushes me outside. He kneels before me as everyone else wades through their own sea of grief.
“Are you okay?” he asks as his lower lip trembles.
I close my eyes as more tears drop. “No,” I whisper. “No, I’m not.”
He doesn’t try to placate me by telling me it’ll be all right. He’s smart enough to know it would be a lie. So, he does the only thing he can to console me. He takes my empty right hand again, the one that keeps reaching for something to hold on to. And for the first time since I woke up in this hell of a nightmare, I feel like I have something to cling to…right or wrong.
I’m not sure what scares me more; wondering if I’ll get my memories back or my racing heart when I’m around Dash. Because he’s not supposed to be mine, but he feels closer to home than anything else has in the last two weeks.
When I glance up from where Dash kneels before me, I find Hendrix’s cold stare on me, and it makes me pull my hand from Dash’s grasp. I may not remember Hendrix, but I’d never intentionally cause him pain.
Dash stands and turns to see what I’m staring at. Then, he glances at me again before walking away.
Hendrix walks to where I’m waiting and stops in front of me. “Are you ready?” he asks almost clinically. As if he’s trying to detach himself emotionally.
“Does it matter?” I ask.
“No, I guess it doesn’t,” he says quietly with his hands shoved into the pockets of his dress pants. “I’ll see you at the cemetery.”
As he starts to move around me so my parents can usher me to their car, I call after him.
