Derek felta wave of guilt when he watched Basil pop a pill for his flying anxiety, but Basil quickly assured him it was fine, then held his hand as the plane began to taxi. Before they were at cruising altitude, Basil had dropped off against Derek’s shoulder and was snoring quietly into the crook of his neck.
Sage glanced over, his mouth forming a very soft grin, and he shook his head. “This looks good on you.”
“What, drool?” Derek asked, pointedly acting as though he didn’t know what his brother meant. It wasn’t that he wanted to diminish what Sage was saying, but there was a part of him still terrified to let himself be happy with another person in front of Sage after everything he’d lost.
Unfortunately, it was hard to hide anything from his twin, and Sage shook his head, letting out a tiny sigh. “I know what you’re doing, but you need to know it’s okay.”
Derek swallowed thickly. “I just…I’ll never forget what it was like right after Ted died, and I can’t…I can’t be someone who puts you back to that dark place.”
“Seeing you happy is never going to send me to a dark place, Der,” Sage told him, reaching out to squeeze his wrist. “And Ted wouldn’t want me to be miserable and hateful just because life didn’t turn out the way either of us expected. I’m…I’m good. Maybe not the best I’ve ever been, but I’m smiling again, and I have more happy days than shitty ones. And even in the midst of all this bullshit, I don’t feel like I’m sinking. So just…let yourself have this, okay?”
Derek shifted a little and couldn’t help a contented grin when Basil let out the smallest murmur and nuzzled closer. Derek’s hand was tangled with Basil’s, and he let himself get lost in the warm feeling of a palm pressed to his own. “I didn’t think I could feel this happy.”
“I knew you could, just like I knew it was going to take a really stubborn asshole to get through to you,” Sage told him. “I’m glad he’s here with us.”
“Part of me wanted to tell him no,” Derek admitted. “This is going to be a hell of a week and Jesus, I mean, I still don’t know enough sign to properly interpret for him. I’m trying and I’m learning, but it’s going so goddamn slow. I can’t imagine what it would be like.”
Sage shrugged. “I think I can. At least a little. My freshman year—remember I dated that Israeli guy and I went to spend Pesach with him and his family in Tel Aviv?”
Derek chuckled. “Yeah. You guys lasted like five months which was a record for you at the time.”
Sage grinned back at him. “It was. Purim and Pesach, and by the time he invited me to temple for Shavuot, it was over.” His smile was a little wry. “Anyway, I had gotten some really basic lessons from him before we went over there, and he kept telling me to chill because everyone spoke English—which was like sort of true, except that no one bothered unless they needed to address me directly. When we were in big groups for meals or shopping or whatever, it was all in Hebrew. And I picked up a few more things after two weeks, but still not enough that I wasn’t totally lost unless I asked him to translate for me. I hated it, but I also didn’t mind so much because it was important to him. And when we were together, he always made sure I understood what was happening. Everything important, anyway.”
Derek glanced down at Basil’s profile and wanted to lift him by the chin and kiss him awake. Instead he laid his head back against the seat and turned to look at his brother. “I’m going to keep working, and I hope you guys do too. I want this for him. I want him to feel safe and understood and part of us.”
“We’re doing it for Jazzy too,” Sage reminded him. “He’s not alone in this, and for you, he’s worth it.”
Derek allowed that feeling to take over, to eclipse the gentle simmer of badness in his gut since the night he’d gotten the phone call about his father. “I just want all this to be over, and I want to move on.”
Sage nodded. “I get it, and I do too. I’ve uh…I’ve actually been giving this all a lot of thought. What to do with all this shit.”
Derek raised his brows. “You mean the assets?”
“The lawyer said it’ll all add up to a couple million if we decide to liquidate—which I don’t see why not. I mean, I don’t want any ofthis shit. But I also don’t want to keep the cash. If anyone should have it, it should be you, considering what you went through.”
Derek shuddered. “No. Fucking…absolutely not. I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself.”
“I have a thousand reasons why I disagree with that, but I also get it,” Sage told him with a small breath. “So, I was thinking, we could start a charity—or maybe halfway house. Something to help kids like us with shitty parents so they’re not squatting in abandoned warehouses and sneaking into public pool changing rooms for showers once a week.” He dragged a hand down his face, his eyes closed when he pulled his fingers away. “From the day we left until I was twenty, I didn’t eat a single fresh vegetable. When I got that apartment across the street from campus, I went to the farmer’s market the day after I got paid and bought broccoli. I couldn’t remember eating anything else, but I remember how Luisa used to make that steamed broccoli with garlic and butter, so I did it. I ate an entire plate, and fuck man, I was sick for like three damn days. My shit was weird and green, and I wanted to die, but I also refused to give up. I bought zucchini the next time I went down there, and then an artichoke, and then some spinach. And I swore to myself I wasn’t ever going to live like that again. I want to do something so no one else has to go through what we did.”
Derek hadn’t been there when Sage took off and decided to do something more with himself. Derek was still flailing and falling apart, but he had his own moment. The first time he put his key into a lock and stepped into a studio apartment that was his and just his, without anyone telling him what to do or how to live, he almost turned around and walked right back out. Because he wasn’t sure he was capable of being more to himself, or to anyone else. But he’d forced himself to step inside, and to unpack his three boxes, and to buy more things and make the place his.
He moved five more times after that—each place his own and mostly secret, and precious to him, and above all—it was freedom.Sometimes that freedom felt like it was choking him to death, but he wouldn’t let it go for anything in the world.
With Basil, it felt different, like the world tilted on its axis the other way, but the topsy-turvy felt good. It felt perfect. He wanted to keep going just as much as before.
“We can talk to someone about it,” Derek finally said. “Is it something you want to do like hands on? Or do you just want to give money?”
Sage bit his lip, then said, “How insane is it that I kind of want this to be hands on?”
Derek shook his head. “It’s not. It’s brave and it’s wonderful.”
Sage ducked his head a little, then looked up at Derek through his lashes. “And if I said I wanted you to do it with me…?”
“Yes,” Derek said, because frankly, there was no other answer than that. The thought might be terrifying, and more than intimidating, but the answer to something like that would always, always be yes.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Derek tried to pretend like he wasn’t relieved when Basil said he wanted to stay back at the hotel instead of attending the meeting with the lawyer, but it was a lie. Mostly because he’d have spent the entire time worrying about Basil not following along, and he just wasn’t good enough yet to provide Basil with what he needed.
