“Give me five, but if you’re hungry, don’t wait,” he said, then went into his room to change. He found a pair of sweats that weren’t completely covered in dry acrylics, and a white tee, and came out to find Sage opening a couple beers and sorting the food out for easy access.
“Movie?” Sage asked as he settled on the floor, digging his fork into some of the saffron rice.
Derek shrugged. “If you want. I’m not feeling picky.”
Sage chewed a moment, then said, “I’m good.” He waited for Derek to settle in next to him, and they took a few minutes to just eat and exist before he spoke again. “I went to visit his memorial last week since I knew I couldn’t make it up this weekend. Plus, I really didn’t want to run into his mom.”
Derek put his fork down and looked at his brother. “Why didn’t you ask me to go?”
Sage shrugged. “I uh…” He licked his lips, unable to meet Derek’s gaze as he spoke. “I’ve been thinking about dating again. I mean, I haven’t met anyone, but the other day when I was grabbing coffee, this super hot guy behind the counter gave me a free scone because he said I looked like I needed it. It wasn’t in a creep way either. It was just…it was nice. And I started thinking, shit, I could ask this guy out and he might actually say yes. I’ve spent the last four years not being ready, and I’m not now. I still can’t shake the feeling like I’d be betraying Ted, but there’s going to come a point where I am.”
Derek reached for Sage’s shoulder and just let his hand rest there. He smiled inwardly when his brother moved into his touch just a fraction, making him feel like he was needed there. “I can’t know what that’s like, but I do know the agonizing panic of letting yourself be vulnerable again, and I know the courage it takes to even consider it.”
Sage chewed on his food, swallowed, then took a long drink of beer before he answered him. “He’d want me to be happy. I mean, he’d want me to be picky—because he’d never settle for a douche—but he’d want me to let go, and I want to do that for him. I just don’t know how to be ready.” Leaning his head back on the sofa cushion, he closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. “I didn’t cry today. Or last week, when I was there. It was still hard, but it didn’t feel like I was choking on my own heart this time and I realized I am moving on. Stupid little things, like I can’t remember what he sounded like first thing in the morning anymore, and I forget if his hands were smooth or calloused, and it doesn’t hurt the way it used to.”
“I think that’s normal,” Derek said softly.
“Tracy told me that when I talked to her today. She said I’m going to be scared for a long time, and that I’ll probably always be a little neurotic with my future partners, but that someday that suffocating grief is just going to feel like an echo. It’s so wrong. I shouldn’t just…get over it.”
“Except you don’t really have a choice. If we were eighty and you’d been together sixty years, I might let you get away with it,” Derek said quietly. “But we’re not eighty. We’re young enough that we can still find the person we’re going to spend most of our lives with, and I want that for you.”
Sage slowly turned his head to look at Derek with a slight grin. “You said ‘we’.”
Derek frowned at him. “…okay?”
“You said we, like you’re including yourself in that. Like you’re not shutting yourself off from the very idea of letting someone else in. Is it the ATM guy?”
Derek felt his cheeks burn. “No. I think the ATM guy is just proof that I might be ready to start looking. My panic isn’t as bad as it used to be, the nightmares are so infrequent I don’t remember the last time I had one. I just…I still feel like I’d be putting someone second to all my fucking issues, and that isn’t fair to anyone.”
“I think you have to be ready to let someone decide that for you,” Sage replied.
Derek pursed his lips, then said, “I don’t know that anyone has any idea what they’re getting into, and I know for a fact getting dumped for something I can’t change feels a hell of a lot worse than getting dumped just because they got tired of me.”
Sage opened his mouth to speak, but just then Derek’s phone began to vibrate, dancing across the table with a call. Before he could grab it, Sage snatched it up and frowned at the screen. “It’s fucking dad.”
Derek felt his stomach twist. The issue with his father was getting worse, and he knew something had to be done, but he couldn’t bring himself to sever the connection. “I’ll call him back.”
Sage gave him a look, then hit the answer button and put the phone to his ear. “Hey, old man. I…yes. Yes. Okay…” Derek could tell by the way Sage’s eyes widened a fraction, by the way his jaw tightened and his fingers curled in toward his palm, his dad was shouting abuse into the receiver.
It seemed to go on for an eternity, the rapid hum of his dad’s voice, Sage’s quiet noises as though he was just making sure his dad knew he was still there. Then, after seven long minutes, the call ended. Sage didn’t say much, just set the phone face down on the table and stared at it.
“Sage,” Derek said quietly.
His brother shook his head. “He’s always like that? Every time he calls?”
Derek shrugged. “It’s…I mean, he’s not all there and…”
Sage scoffed, looking up at Derek with hard eyes. “He was like that even when he was all there. I just didn’t realize he was still at it.”
Derek glanced away, taking a shuddering breath. “It’s fine. I don’t…he doesn’t matter anymore. He’s dying. And you really don’t need to do that, you know. I can handle it.”
“He didn’t know it was me,” Sage replied with a huff. “He can’t remember he’s got two of us, so you can let me share in this.”
Derek shifted, his body tense. “Look, you’re already dealing with enough, trying to handle yourself after Ted, and I know that’s not easy.”
Sage gave him a startled look. “Der, that fuck is entirely responsible for your PTSD. He’s entirely responsible for every fresh hell you endure whenever something triggers you. You don’t get to be a martyr here just because I’m sad my fiancé died, okay? I’m strong enough to handle that. I couldn’t,” his voice broke and he cleared his throat, “I couldn’t protect you back then, but I can at least shoulder some of the burden now. Just…fuck. Let me take a call or two. He won’t live long enough to do real damage anyway.”
Derek closed his eyes, breathed in, then opened them as he released it all. “We can talk about it.”
