“What do you mean? Are you sick? Hurt?”
Sick in the head, maybe, for wanting some asshole like Zeki. I could deal with the fact that I was bi, but dealing with the fact that I’d fucked him andlikedit?
I took a deep breath. “So, I…I’m…” I pulled away and scrubbed lingering tear tracks off my face. I wasn’t reallycrying, crying. I tended to leak whenever I got overly emotional. Micah called it crying, but what the fuck did he know? I turned my face up and sucked in a deep breath. It was meant to be cleansing, but I did not feel any more centered on my exhale.
“It’s okay, bud,” Killian said quietly. “Take your time.”
He was way too nice to me. Rolling my shoulders back, I turned my face to where he was sitting, then took his hand so I could keep track of where he was. “I think I’m bi.”
He was silent for way too long.
“Did you hear me? I said, I think I’m?—”
“No. I heard you.”
There was an odd tension in his voice, and it immediately pissed me off. “Tell me you’re not judging me. I mean, you’re fucking a dude!”
“What? Jesus, Jonah. No, I’m…” He groaned and flopped back, though his hand stayed in mine. “I’m not judging you. I—we all,” he amended with an apologetic tone, “kind of…already figured that out?”
“I beg your finest fuck?”
“Pardon.”
“You’re excused,” I said quickly.
“No, the phrase is—you know what. Never mind.” He pulled his hand back, but he shifted so his foot was touching mine. “I guess, uh…I guess I didn’t know thatyoudidn’t know.”
I felt a slight edge of hysteria rising in me. “What do you mean you knew? You knew I liked dudes? Before I did?”
“It was kind of obvious?” he chanced. “You send a lot of porn GIFs. Of men. And that goblin video was, you know. Dudes.”
“Well, I—that was mostly Micah!” My face was burning because, well, he was right. I did send a lot of porn GIFs that were dudes. “And I was trying to be supportive of you assholes.”
“Right. But your support—at times—seemed to, ah…seemed a bit more like…”
He was silent for way too long.
“Like what?” I demanded, my voice high and tight.
“Shit. I’m sorry,” Killian said. “It seemed like participation. I never asked about your sexuality because I assumed you were bi but preferred women.”
I had no idea what to say. I mean, I supposed it made sense. I understood the way I came across. And yeah, I had fantasized more than once about having a night with a man. I just…never thought that was supposed to mean anything.
I began to shake again, bowing over my legs, and Killian leapt into action as noise began to escape my throat.
“Hey. Bud, hey, please don’t—oh my god. Are you laughing?”
I was. Or I was making some noise between laughing and crying. I didn’t even know anymore. I flopped back against the couch and covered my face with my hands, then let out a silent scream before dropping them.
“I fucked a guy.” Alexio Zeki, though I wasn’t going to tell any of my friends that. That was between me and God and all the demons in hell or whatever.
“Oh, shit. Like…on a date, or?—”
“No. Uh. It was kind of a random thing?” I said, grimacing. I rubbed my palms over my thighs. “I kind of hated him, but it was…” I trailed off. I wasn’t ready to get into detail about this yet. I think mostly I just needed someone to know that it happened.
That I liked it.
That…that for me, everything had changed.
