CHAPTER TWENTY
ALEXIO
I waswith Vanya when two very important things happened.
The first—the Legends lost their fourth game against the Mavericks and were out of the playoffs.
And twenty minutes later, I realized that in that relatively large circle of vision I had, I could see. Like, properly see. It wasn’t flickering in and out, and it wasn’t going blurry anymore. It also wasn’t absolutely perfect, but I could make out the freckles on Vanya’s nose and the flecks of gold in his deep brown eyes.
It was the best feeling in the world, only I didn’t want his face to be the one hovering over me.
I was home for the first time in what felt like a hundred years, though really, it had only been a few days. It was terrifying at first, though between Vanya, Sven, and Nikos, I was never alone. But each day, I healed a little more, and each day, I breathed a little easier.
I still felt a little bit like a monster for having Jonah’s reality be my worst nightmare, but the fact that he understood made me feel a little less terrible. I would have coped. Eventually. I would have adjusted, and of course, I would have had the bestsupport system in the world that would have made sure I wasn’t floating around in some void.
But it wasn’t what I wanted. I wasn’t done playing hockey yet. I wasn’t done seeing the world. I wanted more time to be able to watch Jonah fall apart beneath me, and I think he wanted that for me too.
I didn’t see him much during the last stretch of his games. He had gone back to being focused, and I was hoping he was riding high on knowing that I loved him the same way I was riding that high of knowing he loved me.
But I was ready for him to come home. I needed him to come home.
Which was what I texted him the moment I knew they were getting on their plane to come back to Boston.
Jonah: See you soon. Kisses.
I didn’t bother replying. He was going to go into airplane mode soon enough, and frankly, I wanted real kisses, not ones typed on the screen. I turned to Vanya when I realized Jonah’s plane was going to be landing soon, and I cleared my throat.
“Hey, bud.”
He stared at me over his oversized snack bowl. “You needing something?”
“Yeah. I need you to leave.”
He blinked at me, then shook his head. “Is okay. Just tell me you hate me. I understand.” He hid his smile in a handful of popcorn.
“Fuck off. Jonah’s on his way, and while I know you’re probably a dirty perv who likes to listen to that kind of thing, I don’t want an audience.”
He sighed and sat up, leaning over to kiss my forehead. “You looking better today. Tracking me better. How many fingers?” He held up his middle one, and I kicked him in the shin.
“Fuck off.”
He grinned and sat back down. “You not cleared to have sex. Don’t make bad decision with my best friend.”
I wasn’t going to. I was shit scared of damaging something and waking up in that emptiness again. What I was going to do, though, was peel off all of Jonah’s clothes, then my own, and simply let myself feel his skin against mine. I was going to do it with all the lights on, too, so I could look at his face and make sure I memorized it, just…just in case.
Gathering his things, Vanya stopped at the end of the couch, then walked over and sat back down. “I was worried about you.”
I stared at him. The space around him was strange and foggy, but the clear window showed me his face and his torso. Then his hands as he dragged fingers through his hair.
“I’m okay.”
“I know. But…you keep us away, Zeki. You keep us all away. Even boyfriend.”
Bowing my head, I nodded. “I know. I was freaked-out. It wasn’t personal.”
“Yes, but it feel sort of…like if you…” He let out a growl. “Sorry. I wish I was like my sister. She study English so hard in school. I learn French? What the fuck I need French for?”
I burst into laughter. “It’s a good language, especially if you want to be a Canadian.”
