“See you in hell, Father.”
I straighten up, turn on my heel, and I can’t get out of this warehouse fast enough. Out of this goddamn city.
This isn’t my life anymore, but I don’t know what my life is now that I know the truth. Who the fuck am I?
I’m Pacino. Sergeant at arms for the Hellfire Daredevils. And Tucker to a perky blonde who loved me even when she didn’t believe I could love her back.
My life waits for me back in Gravelton, and I need to get home as fast as fucking possible. I’ve been living on pause for too long, and it’s time to start living again.
And it’s all thanks to my Yellow Crayon.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Pacino
Before I can head home, I have a stop to make. And just as I’d expected, the built-in vases on Mom’s headstone sit empty. I can imagine how long it’s been since anyone brought flowers here, and I’m glad I stopped to get some.
I’ll have to get word to Tanner that this is his fucking job now. One Father and Ryan never thought necessary.
“Hey, Mom,” I say, setting the flowers into the holders. “It’s been too long since I was last here. I’m sorry about that.”
I used to come visit her weekly. But when I left Vegas, I never came back. Not until now. It was too hard to come here realizing the life I’d been raised in let me down.
“Father’s gone. Or will be. I’m not really sure if he’s passed yet or not. Just between us, you managed to pull strings and give him cancer, didn’t you?”
That’s all Father is. A cancer. And he was the darkest part of Mom’s life. It’s karma that it’s what’s taking him out, and I’m pretty sure he somehow caused Mom’s cancer.
When Mom got sick, he barely cared. She was just the woman who gave him three sons. We had a sister, but she was stillborn, and he couldn’t have cared any less. But he sure as hell got after Mom for mourning the loss of her little girl.
But it wasn’t a son. Get over it.
That’s all he cared about. To him, women were expendable. And he ran around on Mom. I learned that too late, but had I known before she died, I’d have made sure he never fucked again.
“I met someone,” I say, sitting down and fiddling with one of the roses. “She’s nothing like Joanna. Which is probably a good thing considering I just found out she was only with me to let her father kill me.”
God, that fucking hurts. I believe them when they said she tried to call things off with her father when she fucked up and fell in love with me, but it doesn’t take away the pain of realizing how it all started. The only reason she wanted to be with me was to help end my life.
“I suppose you know that, though, huh? I thought it was Joanna who brought Phoebe into my life, but I don’t know if that’s true anymore.”
No, I don’t believe that for a minute. It was a silly thought. Comforting to make me feel less guilty, but there’s no reason to feel guilt anymore.
“You’d like Phoebe, though. She’s one hell of a baker, and she’s sweet. Her life hasn’t been easy, but she chooses happiness every day. Perky. It drove me absolutely fucking crazy at first, but now, I don’t think I can live without it.”
I smile as I think about what it would have been like to bring Phoebe home to Mom. She’d have told her she was too thin and needs more meat on her bones. And then she’d have force-fed her the way Phoebe does everyone else.
And Phoebe would love it.
Jesus. That’s why her insistence on getting to know me was so damn endearing. It’s what Mom did. How she still would be if she were alive today.
“You sent her to me, didn’t you?” I ask with a chuckle. “The bright and shiny and happy opposite of me. The only person who could lighten my darkness. She proved there’s sunshine even with my rain clouds.”
As I continue to tell her all about Phoebe, the ache in my chest lightens. Learning the truth about my past hurt. It hurt more than I thought anything could, but talking about Phoebe reminds me that it all happened for a reason. I wouldn’t have her if things hadn’t worked out the way they did.
Damn it, she’s making me an optimist.
A short breeze blows through and brushes against my cheek. Like a kiss.
“I’m going to marry her, Mom. And if I get what I want, I’ll be seeing you again shortly. I really wish you were here to meet her. Both of you are the good in my life.”
