Sniffling, Phoebe gives me a sad smile. “If we keep spending time together, I’m going to fall in love. And you… can’t.”
“Says who?”
“You.”
Fuck. She and Sarah were standing right behind me as I fought with Ryan. Before I kicked his ass outside. “Phoebe—”
“Please, Pacino. Just leave me alone. I can’t risk it.”
I run my hand over my face as I try to figure out how to play this. How to get her to believe I was lying to my brother. And myself. “Can’t risk what?”
“I don’t know that I can get over you if we keep going. But I’m more scared of losing myself in the process. Even though I’m a lot to handle for everyone else, I like who I am. It took me a really long time to become her, and it took even longer to say I loved myself.”
There is so much more to her than anyone knows. “You didn’t love yourself?”
Shaking her head, she wipes her nose. “I can’t lose the Phoebe I’ve become, and I’m already starting to see her slip away. So did you.”
“Yesterday,” I say with a sigh.
I can’t stop thinking this has something to do with her tattoo, too. But she’s right. She’s been slipping away.
“Yeah. And now today. I can’t lose me. I’m all I have.”
“For the record, I like who you are, too. And I don’t want to lose her.”
“So you’ll leave me alone?”
“I couldn’t if I tried.”
A sob escapes, and she covers her face with her hands. “I can’t keep doing this. You can’t fall in love. That I might be able to get past, but you don’t care about me at all. I’m just someone you can screw.”
“That’s not true at all.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Why would you say something like that?”
“Because you did.”
My mouth drops open. I did. I did fucking say that. “I didn’t mean it.”
“Yes, you did,” she says, finally looking at me. “And it’s okay. It’s better to learn now than when it’s too late. But I need to protect myself. I don’t like who I’m turning into.”
She sobs into the pillow, and I can’t take it. “Please, don’t cry. It’s not true. I would die for you, Phoebe. It was just something I said to get Ryan to leave you alone because I can’t bear the thought of you being hurt. Especially because of something so senseless.”
“You keep me at a distance. You only give so much, and I need more.”
“Phoebe—”
“The nightmares,” she whispers. “I haven’t had the nightmares in years, but they’re back. You come into the room you have me staying in, take what you want, and then abandon me. I have a difficult past, and I have abandonment issues.”
My stomach twists as I can only imagine what caused them. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s easier when I’m alone. When there’s no one to twist me up like you do. And I’m not mad at you, Tucker. I’m not,” she whispers as more tears fall. “But I have to save myself. I learned a long time ago that no one else will.”
I can’t take it anymore. This feeling of watching her so distraught makes me itch so deep under my skin that I’d have to rip it all off to scratch. I can’t name this feeling, but it’s vaguely familiar.
“I will save you, Phoebe. I won’t let you become the person you don’t like because I like the cheerful version of you. My Yellow Crayon. The sunshine to my storm cloud.”
