She blinks, her shoulders moving up and down quickly with her breathing. She honestly looks like she’s seen a damn ghost.
“You’d just give up everything you’ve worked for? The life you’ve been talking about getting back to since you got here? To stay with me?” she asks in disbelief. I know, it’s crazy, and it doesn’t sound like me at all. I worked my ass off to get to the NHL, I trained for hours on end, I left my life behind. I don’t regret any of it. The only thing I do regret, is not having Ellie by my side through it all.
“I think I’d do just about anything for you, Sweetheart,” I tell her.
I lean down and kiss her gently and everything fades away. The arena, the thoughts in my head, thedoubt and the fear. And for the first time in months, I finally feel completely free. I finally feel like my life is falling into place, and there isn’t apiece missing.
Chapter 39
Jamie
M
y pulse races and my hands shake as I stand in my office looking into the mirror that hangs on the wall. My face looks pale and my cheeks are bright red. I look like I’ve just skated twelve laps around the rink, except I haven’t. In fact, I haven’t done anything but sit here going over the routine for the fundraiser. The Wolves are in the auditorium with the theatre kids rehearsing one last time before they take the ice.
There’s less than an hour before showtime, and I can’t get my fucking breathing under control enough to feel like I can leave this room. I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve performed in front of way bigger crowds in bigger arenas.
This should be a piece of cake. So why does my brain think this is the end of the world?
Taking a deep breath in, I release it shakily as I stare back at myself in the mirror. I’m okay. Everything’s okay. I’m okay. Everything’s okay. I repeat this mantra a hundred times before ultimately giving up and fall back into my chair at the desk.
Fuck, I’m freaking out. I feel my heartbeat pick up, and my entire body is filled with adrenaline and the urge to vomit. I rub a clammy hand over my face and try to focus on my breathing. My leg moves up and down in quick succession under the desk.
Get it together, Patterson. It’s just a dance. It’s short, and it’s for Ellie. Think about Ellie.
As if she heard my thoughts, she appears at my door, knocking once before opening the door slowly. When she sees me, her face drops and her smile turns to worry. She rushes over, kneeling in front of me, and her tiny hands cup my face as she tries to get my eyes to focus on her.
“Jesus, Jamie. What happened? Are you okay?” she asks, panic laced in her voice.
“I’m good. I just…I need a minute,” I croak.
“You’re shaking, Jamie,” she says, and I turn away from her because she’s already seen me like this far too many times for my liking. She pulls me back though, not letting me hide within myself.
“Hey, Jamie. Look at me. What is it? What’s wrong? Is it the dance? You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”
I shake my head, feeling completely fucking stupid. I rub my sweating palms on my jeans a few times before Ellie grabs them.
My adrenaline is at an all time high, my immune system shitting the bed on me. The loud ringing in my ears intensifies and my vision becomes blurry. Fuck, I’m going to pass out.
“Jamie, focus on my voice. Focus on me,” she tries again. “Feel this?” she squeezes my hands. “That’s real. Feel this?” she places her hands on my cheeks. “And this?” her warm lips meet mine, and she kisses me softly. I can feel the panic attack slowing, my pulse steadying. “I love you, Jamie.”
My hands feel steadier, my brain quieter, the ringing is gone. Ellie’s face comes into view as I open my eyes, and she looks like an angel. She loves me.
“Good, take some slow, deep breaths. That’s it,” she coos. I do as she says, taking a breath in and letting it go slowly. “Are you okay?”
I nod. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Are you nervous about the show?” she asks, her worry still obvious.
Shrugging, I take a sip from my water bottle. “I don’t know. I didn’t think I was, but I guess I must be.”
She clutches my thigh and peers up at me with those emerald eyes. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t feel comfortable. I won’t be angry with you,” she assures me.
“No, I’m going to do it. I just needed to freak out first. I’m good, I promise” I tell her with a smile. “Let’s go kick some ass, yeah?
She nods, holding her hand out and helping me stand. Before we leave the room, I take a few more deep breaths. Let’s do this.
The arena is full of life. Voices carry and echo off the walls, people walk up and down thestands as they find their seats. Burgundy fabric wraps around the boards. Gold spotlights sweep across center ice, highlighting the Ellington logo.
