I don’t know how to act around her. It’s like I want to be close to her, but I don’t know how to be. It seems like she might understand where I’m at too. I think she wants to be near me too, she’s just too proud to show it. She would be smart to ignore me and run away. I broke her heart; I don’t deserve anything fromher. But I don’t know if I can go back to pretending she never existed.
“Ellie. I’m sorry if it feels like I’m hovering,” I admit. “Or saying the wrong thing.”
She considers me for a moment, then sighs. “I know this isn’t easy for you.”
I swallow. “It’s not exactly a dream scenario.”
“No,” she agrees. “It’s not.”
She turns back to what she’s doing, clearly done with our conversation. I should leave it there. I know I should, but me being me, I don’t.
“Hey Ellie?” I ask timidly, feeling like an ass for even asking what I’m about to ask. If my teammates could see me now, they’d call me a pussy.
She turns back at me, her eyes glistening. “Yes?”
“Will you ever forgive me?”
I see the sharp intake of breath as she mulls over how to answer my shit question.
“I don’t know,” she replies softly, turning around and organizing silverware in a drawer. That’s it. That’s all I’m going to get from her. That’s all I deserve. I nod even though she’s no longer looking at me.
I head upstairs, my knee aching, and my heart doing something stupid in my chest. Physical therapy might be tearing me apart piece by piece, but Ellie… Ellie is doing something worse.
She’s reminding me of who I was before everything broke.
And I’m not sure I can afford to remember that guy.
Chapter 12
Ellie
R
ehearsals have officially started, and I have officially begun to regret all of my life decisions. Trying to direct twenty eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds to act out exactly what you’ve pictured in your head is not easy. They either don’t want to listen, or they want to do their own thing. I appreciate the art of acting and putting your twist on characters, but as the director, they need to take into account my directions.
The lead female character, Sherri Martin is a go getter. She’s sweet but she’s ambitious. She gets what she wants, and she never has to ask twice.
After an amazing audition, I cast April Lewis, a beautiful, brown-haired girl with big blue eyes and an ambition that reminds me so much of Sherri.
However, since rehearsals started, she’s been lacking. I’m not sure if it’s nerves or what, but this is not what I thought I’d be getting from her.
After rehearsals end, I ask April to stay back. She slings her bag over her shoulder and meets me at my desk in the corner of the auditorium. She looks weary, like she anticipating bad news.
“Hey. What’s going on up there?” I ask, a hint of worry in my tone. “Sherri is supposed to be this strong-willed woman who never takes no for an answer. You’ve been acting—”
“Like I have no idea what the hell I’m doing? Yeah, well… I don’t,” April interrupts, crossing her small arms over her chest in defeat. Something tugs in my chest at her forlorn expression. Damnit, Ellie. Why did I have to say anything?
“No, it’s not that. It’s just… is everything okay? You did so well with your audition. That’s why I gave you the part. You don’t seem like yourself.”
She nods slowly. “Yeah, I just… I get so nervous when I’m up there. Auditions are a breeze for me, but once I actually get the part I… I don’t know.”
“You feel like you have something to prove?” I ask, knowing exactly how she feels.April nods and looks up at me through hooded lids. She looks like she’s about to cry, and that’s the last thing I want.
“I get that. I get the same way. I do great during auditions, but once I’m officially given the part, I feel like I have to prove to everyone that I deserved it.”
Kind of like how I feel like I need to prove to everyone that I deserve to be here as director.
“Yeah, and sometimes I just feel like maybe someone else would have been a better choice for the good of the show,” she sniffles. I know how she’s feeling. The self-doubt, the feeling of never being good enough, that worry that everyone is thinking you don’t belong. It’s terrible, and it’s something every actor goes through. Hell, it’s something every person goes through.
