I lie back down, staring into the darkness, trying to convince myself that the quiet doesn’t feel lonely.
Trying, and failing to ignore the truth settling deep in my chest. Jamie isn’t going anywhere. We’re stuck together and I’m going to need to get used to it or this is going to be a miserable fifteenweeks.
Chapter 9
Jamie
T
he locker room smells like sweat, disinfectant, and testosterone which is both familiar and grounding. It’s easier here. Simple. Skate, shout, sweat, repeat. No complicated emotions. No history lurking around every corner.
And yet, Ellie’s still in my head. Her voice. The way she looked at me in the café, like she was bracing for impact even while standing still. Like I was something dangerous she hadn’t learned how to disarm yet.
I shouldn’t have gone to see her. I especially shouldn’t have told her the truth. ‘If I stayed, I would’ve chosen you.’ What the fuck was I thinkingtelling her that? I knew it wasn’t going to change anything. She wasn’t going to automatically forgive me with that one confession. It wasn’t going to go back to the way things used to be before I fucked it all up. Do I want it to?
I think on that for a moment. Do I want things between us to go back to how we were before I left? Did I ever really stop loving her? Was this all a part of the universes plans to get us back together? Was it fate? I mean, Jesus, I don’t know. I sound ridiculous. Ellie’s just a girl. She’s a distraction from the goal. But even I know I’m lying to myself. She’s not just some girl. She’s Ellie Monroe. She’s my first love. She’s my first… everything.
I remember our first time together. How scared she was. She’d asked me if it would hurt, and I didn’t know what to tell her. I’d heard that it could pinch the girl a bit, but it wouldn’t last. I wanted to make it special for her. Of course, it was as special as it could be for a quickie in her bedroom before her parents came home. We had to stay quiet since her brother was in the next room.
“We’re going to get caught,”I told her.
“We’ll be quiet,”she’d argued.
“I don’t want to hurt you, El.”
“You’d never hurt me.”
God damnit, did I fuck that part up. I did hurt her, and she’d never trust me again. I don’t even know why I’m so caught up on this. Ellie wants nothing to do with me, and I have a career to focus on. She is the last thing I should be thinking about right now.
“Coach.”
I glance up to see Jacob Rostolvic hovering near the bench, helmet dangling from his fingers.
“What?” I say roughly.
He winces. “You’re scaring the freshmen.”
Good.
“Lace up,” I tell him. “We’re running drills.”
Groans echo through the locker room, but no one argues. They learned fast that I don’t bluff. On the ice, everything quiets in my head. The scrape of blades, the rhythm of passes, the sharp crack of puck against stick. It’s the only place my thoughts don’t spiral. My knee burns, but I welcome the pain. It reminds me I’m still here. Still useful.
For a moment, I can almost pretend this is enough.
The bus ride to the away game is loud and chaotic. Music blares from someone’s speaker, and the guys chirp back and forth, shoving each other like overgrown children. I sit near the front, scrolling through my phone without really seeing anything.
My mom’s name pops up in my notifications.
Mom
Mom:Did you eat today?
I smirk faintly.
Me:Working on it.
Mom:That’s not an answer.
