“No,” I cut him off urgently, my voice filled with the anguish I feel, yet somehow I’m also heartened at hearing him call me ‘Mom’ once more. “No, Matty. It wasn’t you.”
“But wasn’t it?”
“No,” I insist. “It wasme. It was my betrayal.”
He lets out a harsh laugh. “Well, that I can understand, now,can’t I?”
I sniffle, wiping at the tears on my cheeks. Riley’s hand comes up to squeeze my shoulder.
“You should havetoldme.”
“And said what?” I snap. “Seriously, what did you expect me to say? Sam was gone, and it wrecked you boys when he left. Riley wasn’t here. I hadn’t heard from him in more than a decade. Was I supposed to tell you, ‘don’t worry, that guy wasn’t your dad anyway, but your real dad also left me’? How would that have been better?” Matt exhales a frustrated breath, but I continue, “I had no answers to give you about him that wouldn’t have just caused more hurt.”
“Well, he’s here now, isn’t he?” Matty bites out through clenched teeth, causing me to flinch. “He’s been back for like a year now. You guys have been together for months.”
“You’re right,” I agree. “And I don’t have an excuse or an answer for that you’re gonna like. I was scared, plain and simple.” I shrug. “I’ve been scared for a long time,” I add quietly.
“Sunshine,” Riley murmurs, but I shake my head.
“It’s okay, Riles.” I glance back at him. “It’s the truth, and I want to get everything out in the open once and for all. I’m done living in fear. It’s a half-life.” I turn back to my son. “I want you to know Riley has wanted to tell you—to know you—since the moment he first found out. He wasn’t lying about that, and in fact, evenbeforehe knew you were his, he wanted to know you just because you were mine. He’s always wanted to know both you and Alex because I loved you and you were a part of me. So ifyou’re going to blame anyone, it should be me. I’m the one who’s persisted in keeping this secret for so long.”
He studies me for a long moment, his face unreadable, before dragging his gaze over my shoulder to his father.
“So where the fuck have you been, then, huh, Riley?Dad,” he adds with a sneer.
And Riley, who’s remained silent while we’ve been reliving our painful past, lets out a sad sigh. The hand that was on my shoulder moves to rub at the back of his neck as I turn to face him.
“It’s a long story,” he says, finally.
“Well, I’ve got time,” Matt says. “And I’m not leaving here until I hear it.”
“And you deserve to,” Riley agrees with a solemn nod. “What do you say we move up and sit in the truck? It’ll take a while, so we might as well get comfortable.”
Matt agrees with a reluctant sigh, pushing ahead of us up the path. We climb behind him in silence, Riley taking up the rear. When we reach the truck, he drops the tailgate, then hops up ahead of us to retrieve the sleeping bags from his storage box. He takes his time unrolling and spreading them out in the truck bed, then hops back down and assists me in climbing up into the nest he’s made. Again, he takes his time in getting me settled, tucking one of the sleeping bags over and around me.
I know a part of him is stalling, fortifying himself to tell his tale once more, but I also recognize the care he’s taking with me, his small way of showing me comfort.
All the while Matt watches, eyes red-rimmed and full of resignation. Some of the fight seems to have gone out of him, and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Riley settles in beside me, taking one of my hands in his, then gestures with his other for Matt to join us. He remains, studying us for a long moment, before slowly approaching the truck and perching himself reluctantly on the edge of the open tailgate.
He turns sad, tired eyes on Riley, staring expectantly.
“Right, okay,” Riley nods. “So … the first thing you need to know is I love you.”
Matt snorts derisively.
“I know we haven’t known each other very long,” Riley continues, undeterred. “But it’s true. When I looked into your eyes that first time and just … knew you were mine, I knew then I would do anything for you. And I’ve wanted nothing more than to be in your life ever since.”
“Whatever,” Matt mumbles, but he glances at me, and I catch a glimmer of something in those eyes, so very much like his father’s, that gives me hope. He turns away quickly, staring back down at his hands in his lap—but it was there. This time, I’m the one who gives Riley’s hand a squeeze, offering him back some of the strength he’s given me.
“I want to be able to tell you that if I had known about you, I would’ve been here from the start, but …” Riley continues, then pauses, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I can’t.”
Matty looks up sharply, frowning. He opens his mouth, about to say something, but Riley holds up a hand.
“It’s not that I wouldn’t havewantedto,” he clarifies. “But because I couldn’t.”
“Right, sure,” Matty says, voice disbelieving.
“It’s true,” I say quietly.
