I only saw the pictures on Steph’s social media. Lucy looked tired and sad. Or maybe that’s just me.
And it’s pissing me the fuck off.
And it terrifies me.
I feel my future slipping through my fingers; one I’d never considered until her but now can’t help myself from wanting.
I can’t let that happen.
I won’t!
My parents have taken enough from me. It’s only because of Lucy that I was finally starting to find the man I want to be, finally starting to break free of the sick hold they’ve held on me my entire life. I no longer feel the need for their attention, no longer seek their approval. I don’t care about rising up the ranks at work or competing with others to be the best. I’ve finally accepted that in their eyes I never will be. The best, that is. I’ll never measure up, never meet their unrealistic expectations, andI don’t care anymore!I only want to measure myself against the man I was, to strive only to better myself–forme. And for my girl. And the baby. I just want to be there for my family.Mine, with Lucy and our child.
“I’m not giving up, Aidan. I can’t,” I say to him, as we sit once again in the diner on Queen Street. The one without a name, or signage, but that all the locals call ‘Shelley’s.’
The one where we seem to have many of our manly heart-to-hearts. And believe me I recognize the craziness of that statement. I have heart-to-hearts with Aidan. Just two years ago the idea would have been preposterous, but now it only serves as a reminder of just how much I’ve changed.Because of her. And him. Because of my friends. Real ones, finally.
It’s not the first time I’ve had this realization, and I doubt it’ll be that last, for it continues to blow me away whenever I let myself think on it. My life has changed so much for the better, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep it.
Aidan finishes his bite of hamburger and clears his throat. “I know that. I’m not suggesting you do.”
“She’s been avoiding me for weeks. She won’t take my calls, won’t answer her door, she even ducks in the back when I show up at The Bean and has the counter girls gatekeeping,” I growl in frustration. “Enough is enough, I’m not going to let this go on amonth. I need her back. I need myfamilyback. It’s killing me not knowing how she’s doing. If she feels alright. If the baby–”
“The baby’s fine,” he reassures me.
“But it’smybaby. I should be there for this, not hearing about it from you. I deserve to be present for those appointments. I should have been at the shower. And Idefinitelyshould be there to rub that stretch mark stuff on her belly or massage her feet when they’re achy and swollen. I should be there to bring her scrambled eggs with hot sauce and a side of pickle juice when she has an outrageous craving. And to hold her when the little bean starts up with the kicking late at night and she can’t sleep.”I’m not even embarrassed by the desperation in my voice.
“Shit. I know it’s frustrating, Noah.”
I’m silent for a moment, then, “I notice you didn’t sayshewas fine.”
Aidan’s eyes are sympathetic. “She’s struggling. Like you. But Piper says she’s still just … not ready.”
“But why the fuck not?” I snap. “I get that she’s upset, and hurt, but she won’t even let me explain!”
He gives me a sad smile. “I think this just really hit on a nerve. Lucy always comes across as this bold, strong woman who doesn’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks about her–and don’t get me wrong, sheisthat strong woman–but … she’s also been hurt, deeply. She hides it well these days, but her parents … they did a lot of damage.” He gives me a knowing look. “Something I’m sure you can relate to.
“You didn’t know her back then,” he continues, “but I did. I saw how their abandonment and the subsequent judgment of others affected her. She had a real chip on her shoulder, Noah, and rightly so. Kids were cruel, people were cruel. She’s been compared to her loose druggie mother and sneered at over her deadbeat father her whole life. Her grandmother did what she could to counteract it, but frankly, she was burdened by the gossip too, for having raised a woman that could repeatedly choose drugs over her own child. Never mind that that woman was obviously sick and needed help…
“I actually think a lot of Lucy’s behavior as an adult stems from that–is inoppositionof that, to spite the naysayers. She makes no apologies for her lifestyle, nor should she. She does what she wants, when she wants, and makes sure to have fun doing it. But I have no doubt she still hears the prudish whispers from the likes of Vera Abernathy and her crew.”
I sigh, because I know what he says is true. I’ve seen and heard the gossip myself and it infuriates me, not the least of which is because the majority of those old ladies are still nice to her face. Happy to exclaim over her delicious cocadas, then sneer behind her back for her choices. Lucy is sweet and friendly and fun, and she drives me absolutely crazy, but in the best of ways. She’s pretty much perfect in my eyes–how dare anyone else think otherwise?!
“Anyway,” Aidan says, “I’m not surprised that she would still be overly sensitive about this. Now she’s an unwed expectant mother,” he holds up his hands to halt my protest, “again, there’s nothing wrong with that, but you know how conservative some of the townsfolk still are. How conservativeyour parentsare. To her this probably feels like you agree with them.”
My chest constricts as though there’s a band around it.
Tightening.
Tightening.
Fuck!
“I never wanted her to feel like that. Ihatethem, Aidan,I hate them. I don’t know why I’ve held on as long as I have, hoping …” I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve known all along that my parents wouldn’t accept her, or the baby. But they’ve never really acceptedmeeither. It’stheirissue, not hers, not mine. It was all about keeping her away from their particular brand of poison. Keeping our child away from their influence. Not because I’m ashamed of her, but because I’m ashamed ofthem. I can’t have that energy in my life anymore, and I just … I just was struggling with breaking it off with them for good. I kept putting it off because I was so happy otherwise. Life was so good.With her. I just … didn’t want to deal with them.”
I sigh deeply, defeated. Aidan gives me a sympathetic look.
“I was going to though,” I promise him. “I was.”
