???
We’re moved from recovery and back into our room. Our little lady is placed in a bassinet that’s wheeled up next to my bed and she makes a soft snoring, snuffling noise that–once we were assured is completely normal–we both found utterly adorable. Noah is perched precariously on the side of my mattress while we all attempt a nap. After the pain, fear, and excitement of the day, we’re all completely spent. The adrenaline has finally left my body and I’m crashing hard, coming down from the highest high, yet I’m still fighting not to close my eyes.
“I’m worried that I’ll wake up to find this was all a dream.”
Noah presses further into my side, lifting his arm to wrap around me but then thinking better of it when he remembers my stitches. He drops it between us instead, reaching for my hand. “I know what you mean.” He yawns. “But you really should try to get some rest. You’ve been through a lot and your body needs it. Plus, if I know anything about babies it’s that we’re not going to be getting much rest for the foreseeable future. We need to learn to take it when we can get it.”
I bite my lip and nod in agreement.
“And,” he continues, “Gemma will be back in here before you know it to help you with the next feeding.” Gemma is apparently grey bun, and in addition to being a nurse, she’s also a lactation specialist. A little while ago I attempted to breastfeed, which went … not great, but she assured me that it would get better and explained that my milk might be a little slower to come in since I had a C-section. At least that latch was good, or so she said. It was a surprisingly intimate and emotional experience that brought me to tears once again–like I really needed to feel more feelings. Thankfully Noah was patient and talked me through my self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. I know not everyone can breastfeed or chooses to, and there’s absolutely no judgment from me, but I’m hopeful that the next time goes better.
I sigh. “I know you’re right. It’s just so hard to take my eyes off of her.”
“Yeah. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he breathes, then offers me a small smile. “Aside from her mother, of course.”
“Of course,” I smirk tiredly, then finally let sleep overtake me.
???
The second feeding does go better. It’s painful at first, but after a little while the sucking feeling turns to one of relief. Gemma confirms that it has started flowing and our little one does appear to be taking in the colostrum. After a while, we both settle into it and it’s actually quite peaceful. Noah sits beside me on the bed, watching us, his eyes soft and his smile reverent.
I’m surprised when his voice breaks the silence. “Being away from you was torture,” he says.
“I hated it too,” I admit. “Bet your place is really clean and organized by now though,” I add, trying to keep things light.
“I rearranged the pantry three times,” he responds wryly, smiling at my teasing … but after a moment his smile fades. “I failed you by ever letting you question my devotion to you.” He shakes his head. “By ever letting you doubt me.Us.It was never about you not being good enough, it was always aboutprotectingyou from them.”
“I just … I don’t understand. I know they’re horrible, Noah, but you’ve still chosen to maintain a relationship with them all these years–”
“Not anymore,” he cuts in.
“O–okay, but still, youdid. You were seeing them pretty regularly throughout my pregnancy. Did you really think you could keep us separate?”
He shakes his head again.
“I just …” but he trails off, searching for the right words. I take the opportunity to switch baby girl to the other breast and … eureka!! She latches almost effortlessly.
Noah watches us again for a while and I know he’s still trying to gather his thoughts. Finally, he continues, reaching out to tuck a lock of my messy hair behind my ear as he speaks.
“I just wasn’t ready to deal with it. I was a coward and I avoided it for too long. I knew early on that I was going to have to choose. And believe me, Lucy, there was never a question of my choice, but when it came down to actually doing it … to cutting them off for good? Well, it was harder than I thought it would be. Or at least … itwasuntil today. Or, I guess that was yesterday now? I have no concept of what time it actually is anymore.”
He chuckles and I offer him a small, encouraging smile. “I don’t either.”
“All these years they’ve failed me as parents, but I just never stopped hoping that we could change that, change our relationship. I guess the thought of finally abandoning that hope for good was more than I was ready to face. Especially when I had so many positive things happening in my life. I didn’t want to give up on them. But I did. Idid, baby.”
“Is that where you were? When nobody could reach you?”
The face he makes is contrite. “I guess I need to apologize for that too. Despite what was going on with us it was completely irresponsible of me to be unreachable so close to your due date–or any time at all, really. I didn’t mean to, but I’d turned my ringer off earlier in the day while I was trying to psych myself up to confront them … and I guess, with all the anger I was feeling, I forgot to turn it back on. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t here when you needed me, that you had to go through so much of it alone.”
“I had Piper,” I supply.
“And thank God for her,” he says. “But still, it should have been me–Iwantedit to be me.”
“You made it for the important part.”
“Yeah,” he says, dropping his gaze to our daughter who appears to have fallen asleep mid-feed, her mouth falling open. “Luckily. Thanks to Aidan–I owe those two so big.”
I chuckle, pulling my gown back up and settling the baby against my chest. Noah reaches over and traces a knuckle against the soft skin of her chubby little cheek.
