More concerned looks.
Grey bun takes my temperature and blood pressure.
More quiet murmuring.
Jesus, fuck, where is Noah?
Get here, I will him. Just get herenow.
Piper speaks softly to me, whispering useless reminders to focus on my breathing while simultaneously typing furiously into her phone. The pain is so great that I’m unable to even–
“Oh thankGod,” she shouts and I nearly pull a neck muscle turning to her in question.
“He found, him,” she announces. “Aidan’s on the way with Noah now.”
Relief floods my body and I let out a little sob at her words.
He’s coming.
Piper squeezes my arm again just as another contraction hits.
Grey bun turns to ponytail and I hear their exchange, the sounds distant as though I’m across a crowded room, or maybe underwater.
“I’m going to page Doctor Lee again.”
“Yes, and get the on-duty OB in here asap.”
There’s another flurry of activity. A young male doctor enters along with the other doctor from earlier and the pair make a beeline for the monitors. He barely looks old enough to grow a beard. Freckles follows, hot on his tail, and they join grey bun and ponytail. He peppers them with questions that I’m unable to follow, though my gut twists with fear as I watch their faces.
Finally, he nods. “Prep the OR.”
A deep keening wail pierces the room.
It’s me. That noise is coming from me.
I start calling out loud for Noah. Panting and moaning his name through the next contraction.
I hate that he’s not here yet, but more than that I hate that I pushed him away at all, that I let so much time go by without talking to him. Without letting him explain. Because deep in my heart I know thereisan explanation. I was stubborn, so stupidly stubborn. I should never have kept him at arm’s length this long. He tried and tried again to talk to me, but I was hurt, and I let fear rule. I was so afraid to face him, afraid of what I might see in his eyes.
People always leave me.
I’ve never felt good enough … but I should have trusted him. I should have trusted us. I think a part of me has always known that he didn’t really feel that way. That he wasn’t …ashamed. He spent months making me feel cherished and then at the first sign of trouble, I completely disregarded that. All of it. I was just feelingso much. More than I’d ever expected. Love is so utterlyterrifyingand I– well … I self-sabotaged.
All of these chaotic thoughts fly through my mind in the span of a minute, maybe less, but as the next contraction hits it brings with it total clarity. In the face of life and death, our fight means nothing. Nothing. Suddenly the anger, the hurt, the doubt. My worry and shame. All of it. It meansnothing!
I miss him and Ineedhim.
And I love him.
Period.
We’ll figure out the rest later. I just need our baby to be okay.
Doctor Lee comes jogging into the room. Finally! After a brief consult with the male doctor, she turns to me. “The baby’s heart rate is dropping dangerously low. We’re going to have to do a C-section.”
“Noah’s on his way,” I gasp.
She shakes her head. I do the same, my eyes swinging wildly to the door where I will him yet again to enter. I can’t face this without him.
