My mother’s eyes widen and I nod again, once, curtly.
“That’s right. I’m about to be a father. And I will make sure my child knows that they matter. That they’re respected, that they can be and do and achieve whatever they want in life. And … and that they’reloved.Alwaysloved. No matter the choices they make.”
She looks as though she’s struggling to find words, but I shake my head sadly. “I was never good enough in your eyes, but I will make suremychild doesn’t ever question their place in my life and in my heart. And I will never let them near the likes of you two.”
“Noah,” my mother finally manages, her voice hoarse, but I raise a hand to halt whatever it is she’s about to say. Surprisingly, she acquiesces, though she presses her lips together in a firm line signaling her frustration.
“I’m not finished yet,” I say casting a glance at my father who remains frozen in his seat. “After a lifetime of disinterest, you owe me this, so you’re going to listen to me. Just once you’re going to hear me, and then I’ll be gone. So listen good, because I want to tell you about the mother of my child. She deserves that. Recognition. She may not be the type of woman that fits in with your country club crowd, in fact, I have no doubt you’d turn your nose up at her, but you know what? She’s worth more than the likes of all of you. You and every single one of those sanctimonious assholes you call friends. She has moregrace, moreheart, morecharacterin her little finger than you ever will.”
I ball my hands up into fists now, outraged on her behalf for the preconceived slight.
“She’s perfect, and wonderful, and …” I sigh, resuming my pacing. “And I screwed up. I screwed up because I didn’t make it clear to her. I didn’t make sure that sheknewthat. I mean … she actually thinks that I’mashamedof her, can you believe that?!Ashamed. Well, I am God-damned ashamed alright, but not of her. Never of her.”
I come to a stop again, right in front of them.
“I’m ashamed of you,” I continue softly staring down at them. “The both of you. My so-called parents.”
When neither of them deigns to meet my eyes, I let out a growl of frustration.
“No, I could never be ashamed of her. Lucy–that’s her name, in case you were wondering– she’s light, and laughter, and freedom. She makes me feel alive for the first timeever!And she’s shown me that life can be messy, and chaotic, andcompletelyunpredictable, but that there’sbeautyin that. Beauty, and joy, andsomuch love. And it’s scary. Yeah, it’s scary, but it’s worth it. To embrace the mess. To let people in.”
I’m nodding again to myself now.
“I’m going to marry that woman,” I announce. “And I will make sure she knows how special she is, how much I adore her … how utterly perfect she is for me for the rest of our lives.”
My father is trembling now, looking as though he’s about to lunge. My mother just stares up at me, eyes still round with shock, whether at my disrespect or the news of my impending fatherhood, I can’t be sure. Likely both. Well, I’m shocked too. I’ve never spoken to them this way and I’m amazed that they’ve allowed this outburst, this dressing-down to continue for as long as it has. But I’m determined to get it all out once and for all so I can leave it behind when I walk out that door. I press on, crossing my arms and looking down at them both almost thoughtfully now.
“You know? You abused me, manipulated me, and ignored me. You turned me into a pretentious asshole and a neurotic control freak. Up until very recently I had few genuine relationships and cared only for climbing the ladder, just like the two of you. I was ever searching for my self-worth in accomplishments and accolades, and desperately seeking validation from you. I had to be the best–always–even if it was in a profession that you deemed inferior. Never mind that I’ve dedicated myself to helping others, to serving and protecting. For some reason that’s not worthy enough for you …”
I trail off, my thoughts and emotions racing and chaotic inside my head as I search for the words to properly convey what I’m feeling, what I’ve felt all these years.
My voice is low when I’m finally able to continue. “And even with all of that, even as the broken man that you molded me into, Istillalways tried. Itried… I never stopped seeking your favor. Ihatedwho I was–Ihatedyou–but I still never gave up on you two. Even after you continued to belittle me and shame me for my choices as an adult … I still came here. Anxious for a scrap of recognition. I still came here, and I still chose to participate in this sham of a family. Month after month, I suffered through your ridiculous lunches where I continued to allow you to cut me down.” I let out a humorless chuckle now. “What a fool I was. Hoping, always hoping that you would one day see beyond the surface. That you might one day seeme. That you’d care. That you couldchange… I mean, you couldn’t have always been these people, right?” I ask with disgust. “Pop couldn’t have raised …” but I trail off again, waiving a hand in my father’s direction. I’m not even sure how to finish that sentence. By the time he passed Pop and my father had been estranged for years.
“I don’t know what happened to you, but, well, time’s up. You’ve failed. You’re a disappointment as parents. You’ve been foundwanting.” I stare at my mother until she slowly, so slowly, meets my eyes. “Sucks to hear that, doesn’t it? Welcome to my world.”
I look at them then.Reallylook at them. My mother’s face is flushed and her entire body is vibrating–with the offense? The shock?My audacity?She literally clutches at her pearls. And my father? My father’s face is scrunched and purpling now with fury. And even though it’s been years since he’s lashed out at me physically–not since I was a teenager and grew larger than him–I’m still painfully familiar with that face and what follows it. I don’t flinch this time, though, when he stands and takes a leering step toward me.
No, this time I laugh darkly.
“What, are you going to hit me now, Dad?”
That brings him up short and he glances around the room almost at a loss.
“You do and you’ll be making my own point for me,” I say quietly.
“And what point is that?” he snaps, glancing over at my mother.
I just shrug.
“That you’re abusive.” I run a hand through my hair, tugging on the ends. “I’m just repeating myself now, butfuck,it feels good to finally get it out. So yeah, I’ll say again; you’re abusive and neglectful in equal measure. Youruinedmy childhood and damaged me as a person and I won’t stand for it anymore. I have so goddamn much baggage from the two of you and it’s impeded my happiness for a long, long time. But I broke free from your negativity and influence, little by little starting with that first brave decision to go against your wishes and attend the academy. And ending now.” I say softly, but with finality.
“Ending now with me cutting ties, once and for all. I have my own family to worry about now. Andyouwon’t be a part of it. You’ll never be grandparents. You’ll never have a relationship with my child. This is the last time I’ll ever step foot in this house, thisprisonfrom my childhood. This is the last time you’re going to see me, so take a good look.”
Just then there’s a commotion in the hallway and Aidan bursts in, Dermott right behind him and sputtering at the second intrusion of the day.
Two steps and I’m standing before Aidan. I grip his arm in alarm. He wouldn’t be here unless there was a problem.
“What’s wrong?” I demand.
