She moisturizes her midsection with the evidence of my orgasm, and I trace a heart with my finger before the water washes it away, like the ocean to the shore.
On my back in bed, I’m freaking out, my mind racing a mile a minute. Claire’s quiet to my left, flat on her back as well. I’d give up my left testicle to read her mind right about now. Was tonight too much for her? Did I push her too far?
WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE THINKING?!
“Claire, I—” I begin.
“Ash, I—” she says at the same time.
Our nervous chuckles mingle between us and we turn onto our sides to face one another.
“You first,” I say.
“No, you.”
Taking a deep breath, I admit, “That was reckless. I don’t know what came over me.”
“I’m pretty sure I know what came overme,” she quips, eyes sparkling.
“Ha ha.” I playfully pinch her waist.
She giggles and her nose briefly brushes mine before she settles in closer.
“God,” I sigh. “You make me do things I normally wouldn’t do.”
She tenses. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“Shit. No. That came out wrong.” I squeeze her side in reassurance. “What I mean to say is you make me feel alive.”
The glow from the bathroom light highlights the smug smile she can’t quite hide.
Threading her arm under mine, she rests her hand on my lower back. “I do?”
“Yeah.” I leave it at that because my emotions are a little out of whack and I’m feeling mighty damn exposed. “But I am sorry. I shouldn’t have lost control like that. We do need to be careful. I already have a kid and I… I… Fuck, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Forget it.”
She rubs soothing circles on my skin. “Do you want more kids?” Her hand comes to an abrupt halt, her muscles going rigid again. “Sorry. That’s none of my business. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“It’s fine.” I wave her off, dragging a hand along her hip until she relaxes. “I’m so thankful I had a sibling growing up, and I want that for Bea too. But…”
“But what?”
I roll onto my back, my right hand tucked behind my head, the other on my abdomen. “Can we talk about something else?”
“Let’s just go to sleep.” Her tone is even, though I suspect she’s frustrated that I’m avoiding her question.
But how can I tell her that when I think about having more children, the mother I visualize is some obscure, clouded figure? I don’t see Daisy anymore; that reality will never exist. It’s as if the woman is a mirage, anignis fatuus.
And how can I tell the woman breathing serenely beside me that for a split second when she asked if I wanted more kids, the ambiguous fantasy woman was her?
25
Claire
The bed is regrettablyempty beside me when I wake, but the mattress is still warm. No man had ever slept over before last night. My dating life has been grim, at best. Have I had satisfying sex? Sure. I don’t have a problem asking for what I want in the bedroom. But I’ve never been great at balancing or maintaining an actual romantic relationship. The men I’ve hooked up with or casually dated were okay dating a doctor—turned on, even—but eventually their egos got dented, and that’s a major ick for me.
I assumed it would be awkward sleeping beside a man. Instead, it felt right. Natural. And that mystifies me. I wasn’t lying when I told him this thing we’re doing is different. But is it just because we’ve been roommates this summer and have grown comfortable being in the same space? Though, roommates isn’t quite an accurate term. We’re not two broke kids straight out of college. We’re adults. So let’s call this what it is.We’re living together.But phrasing it that way sounds way too serious.
He’s only staying at my apartment because it’s convenient for hooking up. That’s what I’m telling myself, even if I don’t quitebelieve it, because there’s no denying that I’m currently having the best sex of my life.
