He falls to his knees on the carpet and buries his face in my lap. “I know,” he says, lifting his head and gathering my hands in his. “I was an idiot. A fucking coward.”
I lick my lips, ready to tell him I was a coward, too, when he says, “Do you remember when Bea’s teacher mistook you for her mother?”
“Yeah.” I cringe. “I’m sorry. That probably hurt.”
“It stung, of course, thinking about her mother missing out. But do you know what else it did? It showed me an alternative. It showed me that life may not go the way we planned, but it doesn’t mean it can’t go on.”
My chest tightens with a host of emotions. “Asher, I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to move on. I’d never ask that of you.”
Squeezing my hands, he says, “I know, baby. And that’s not what I meant. What I mean is that when I reflect on that evening, I see a beautiful gift, an additional path to walk in life. Something to move toward. Together.”
“What does that path look like?”
The kiss he plants on the inside of my wrist causes goose bumps to ripple up my arm. “It looks like us driving Bea to school and singing off-key. It looks like the two of you ganging up on mewhen we play Uno and me eating all the flat potato chips because you claim the folded ones taste better.”
I laugh at that.
“It looks like drinking wine in the hot tub after Bea goes to bed and spending winters by the fire with pizza and popcorn covering the floor. I foresee lots of sticky counters and a refrigerator covered with so much artwork I’m tempted to buy another fridge just so I don’t have to take any paintings down.”
Tears stream down my cheeks as I allow those visions to form in my mind.
Asher rises up on his knees and catches my tears with his thumb. “It’s difficult for me to envision too far down the road. I admit that. My world was flipped upside-down once before. It’s impossible not to worry it could happen again.” He sucks in a breath, fighting for composure. “But I don’t want to waste another moment guarding my heart from what could be. You’re my what-could-be. We’re not guaranteed more than we have at any given moment, and so many things are out of my control, but Icanguarantee my love, Claire. Starting today. If you’ll have me.”
Through body-racking sobs, I ask, “What about Bea? What if it doesn’t work out between us? I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her.”
“Baby. Shh. Hey, come here.” He joins me on the sofa again and tugs me against him. “I used to obsess over how another woman might treat my child. I didn’t trust anyone with Bea because I feared they wouldn’t be good enough. It’s why I never introduced them to her. Why I would end things if they asked to meet her. But you’ve already proven to me that I have nothing to worry about. Dolly loves you. And I know you love her too. I trust you with her and I’m confident you would never hurt her intentionally.” He presses a kiss to my temple. “If something happens between you and me, it’ll hurt like hell, but I’ve been through the unimaginable before and I’m still standing.”
He hugs me closer, warming me as I allow his words to soak in.
“I can’t know for sure that this will work out, but I will show up every day and try my best. You’re worth the risk. I’d rather love you today than not at all. And if something’s not working, I promise to talk to you first. Or go to therapy. Or go to therapy with you.”
A watery laugh escapes my lips, and I plant a kiss against his neck.
He tilts me back slightly so we’re looking at one another. “Someone wise once told me that if we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives. We have this one life, and I don’t want to waste it by being too scared to go after what I want.”
“I’m so in love with you.” It comes out as a whisper, my throat almost too constricted with emotion to let out any sound at all.
“I’vebeenin love with you. For longer than I realized,” he confesses. “I’ve just been too shut off to see it. I don’t want to miss any opportunities to be happy. And you make me happy. While it’s impossible to be happy all the time, I’m done feeling like I don’t deserve to live my life. Like I don’t deserve to spend it with a woman who brings me joy every single day. Because that’s what you do for me. You bring me joy and you never judge me when I struggle.”
He glances over at the coffee table, where my laptop sits next to an empty coffee mug, as well as the vase my brother gave me. With a knowing smile, he cups my jaw, locking his eyes with mine. “You’re my Kintsugi, Claire. I was the broken vase, and you’re the gold that brought me back to life.”
I collapse into him, and he wraps his arms around me again, rocking me back and forth.
When I finally lean back, I ask, “What do we do now?”
“Well, you’re already drawn on the family tree, so… I’m thinking you’re stuck with us now.”
A satisfying laugh bubbles out of me. The best I’ve had in a long time.
“You’re right. There are no guarantees in life,” I say. “But I’m all in. You’re my favorite person. And there’s no one else I’d rather share my life with than you and Bea. I know she’s not mine by blood, Asher, but I promise to love her as if she were, for as long as you’ll let me. I make that commitment to you… and to Daisy.”
He lifts me onto his lap so I’m straddling him and holds on to me tightly as he lets down his walls. He weeps and howls into my chest, emptying everything he’s had bottled up for far too long.
Finally.
43
Claire
