He was thrown into taking care of it all by himself. There wasn’t a consistent routine, and that's something I learned about ADHD when I researched. Consistency is key. It was also suggested to organize—which is my favorite—by using planners, spreadsheets, and calendars.
I organized the hell out of the folders that I created in the drive for him and his dad. Deep down, I enjoyed every minute of it. I was in my happy place. Organizing clears mymind because I'm focused on one thing and I'm in my element. It's the same with yoga.
I gave in to the temptation. But was it a mistake? I can't go backward and stop both kisses from happening. I’m digging myself into a hole that I’ll eventually be stuck in. So, how do I move forward? What are the next steps I need to take so I don’t screw this up again?
If I feel vulnerable, I hide it. I’ve learned to tuck it away and not bother anyone about it. Especially Mom. I’ve had a few instances of vulnerability with her, and I received no type of emotional support from her.
Each time, I hoped that she’d care or try to help. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I wish she were the Mom I’ve always wanted. But right now, I need to give in to that vulnerability with my friends.
"What exactly do you want us to tell you?” Hailey asks. “Ignore him and never see him again?"
"Or," Addie adds, "go with whatever your heart is telling you and listen to it."
"Obviously, her heart is telling her to run like hell if she likes doing something like that."
Hailey and Addie go back and forth, but from the corner of my eye, I can sense Ellie staring at me. Maybe she’s putting the pieces together. Oh, fuck. I forgot I ran into her at the shop. That was only two hours ago.
Maybe she won’t. For all she knows, this could be about any other guy in the world and not her brother.
She gets up and goes into the kitchen. I take a sleepy Biscuit and put him on the couch. Getting up, I follow Ellie while Hailey and Addie continue talking, each trying to outsmart the other.
Ellie starts to clean the kitchen.
“You okay?” I ask cautiously.
“Yeah, why?” She wipes off crumbs from the counter, peering at me and then back to the counter.
“I don’t know. You were staring at me a couple minutes ago like I stole the last cookie off the plate.”
She stops what she’s doing and narrows her gaze at me. “I should really work on my facial expressions.”
The tension breaks with a laugh from the two of us, but that quickly dies down. Addie and Hailey have jumped to another topic, something about what the best cheese is.
“So, are you going to tell me who this guy is?” Ellie pries.
My stomach twists with nerves, and I try to shake them off. I force my body to relax and not pay attention to the beating of my heart.
I pull a chair out from the kitchen table and sit down, then strum my fingers on the table. “What else is there to know?”
I hate keeping this from my best friend, but how am I supposed to talk to her about her brother? The thought of her being mad that I have feelings for him is heavy.
Ellie closes the dishwasher and looks at me from across the kitchen. There isn’t a hint of anger or disappointment in her eyes. Yet I still feel sick to my stomach for what I’m about to admit to her.
“Please don’t be mad at me.” The voice in me is meek and scared. “I don’t want to lose our friendship over this.”
She tilts her head, and with a puzzled expression. Her eyebrows pinch together so close that they almost become a unibrow.
“I would never leave you over some guy. I mean, if he’s a piece of shit, then that’d be a different type of conversation. Is he a piece of shit?”
“No.” I shake my head. “He’s far from it. He makes mefeel… safe. I can be vulnerable around him, and you know I don’t like being vulnerable.”
“Wow.” Ellie rocks back and forth before she shuffles toward the table to sit down next to me. “Sounds like he’s a great guy.”
He’s more than a great guy. He’s compassionate, patient, supportive, and forgiving. Someone I’d be incredibly lucky to have as a partner.
She pokes me in my ribs. “So, are you gonna tell me who it is?”
I cover my face in my hands and decide to tell her without looking her in the eyes because I can’t handle more disappointment. Through a low, muffled voice, I say, “August.”
