After that, I ran to August, already overwhelmed with emotions. I needed him.
His throat bobs. “I thought you loved me. I was wrong, wasn’t I?”
I open my mouth slightly but then close it. "I—" All I can do is look at him. I've lost my voice. My mouth opens again, but nothing comes out.
“Yes, or no? Did you ever love me?”
“I—did love you.” At this moment, I’m small and vulnerable. But this is a different kind of vulnerability that I feel with him. This isn’t me coming to him with a problem outside of him. This is about him. My lips quiver, and my hands ball into fists.
There’s no surprise or shock on his face. He’s always known that and he isn’t stupid. He was waiting for me to say it all this time. But I think this was his breaking point after everything.
“So why push me away? And don’t say it’s because of your mom or parents. You can’t use them as an excuse forever.”
“Because.” Annoyance coating over the word.
“Because what? Because you’re not the person I thought you were? You’re worried that I’ll find something I haven’t seen yet and decide you aren’t worth all of it?”
“I’m not going to be the person you need me to be if we’re together. I’ll be too busy wondering if I’m doing everything right, if you’re still happy, or if you’re sick of me. I’ll be waiting for you to leave.”
“Riley, I’ve stayed by your side foryearswithout you asking me to. You really think I’m going to leave you?”
I can’t help comparing myself to everyone else around me. All the energy I have, I use to make sure people want to keep me around. I’ve done everything I could when it came to Mom and that hasn’t changed at all.
I have nothing left in me.
“There’s someone out there that doesn’t have all this baggage, okay? You’ll get tired of having to prove your love to me because I’ll never think I’m good enough. Trust me, I’ve been doing it with my mom for a very long time. Eventually, you’ll give up.”
“You never gave us a chance,” he shouts, gesturing between the two of us. “Do you regret what we did?”
“No,” I utter, folding my arms across my chest and looking away.
“Then let’s give this a chance. Let’s give us a chance.” He walks toward me, pulling at my wrists to hold my hands.
If I were to let us have this, I could only imagine the things Mom would say. Probably that she’s surprised a guy like August would want to be with someone like me. I know I shouldn’t care, but she has this grip on me.
“I need more time.”
August clenches his jaw, inhaling through his nose, probably holding back what he really wants to say. “I’vewaited long enough. Either take this chance now, or we move on completely.”
Well, I wasn’t expecting that.
“Did you just give me an ultimatum? You’re joking?” I let go of him, taking a step backward.
“If that’s what I need to do in order for me to move on.” He crosses his arms.
We stand there in uncomfortable silence while I go back and forth in my head wondering whether I should take the leap and see where things could go. But there’s this small voice in my head telling me that I need to figure things out with Mom before I can let myself move forward.
“Riley,” August says.
“I—I need some time to fix things, with my mom.”
August tips back his head and his shoulders shake in laughter when he looks back at me. He grabs the nape of his neck and sighs. “Okay, there’s my answer, I guess.” He walks around me and turns past the front door and down the hall.
“Where are you going?” I shout, following him.
“I’m going to bed.” He turns to look at me. “Have a good night.”
The sound of his door shutting echoes through the hall and I stand there, staring at it.
