“It’ll be okay. I’ll just be inside,” she whispers. “It will be okay.” She kisses my cheek, and I reluctantly let go of her hand and watch her and Amy go inside the house.
forty-eight
ROWAN
“I’m reallyglad you decided to come see me,” my father tells me.
He’s glad that I came here. Interesting. I wasn’t expecting any of this. I’m not sure what I was expecting. I had all the questions ready in my head. But they all disappeared when I saw him at the door.
I turn to look inside the house and see Ellie and Amy.
When I think about Ellie and how close she is to me even though she’s inside, I get this spark in my chest. This courage. I swallow down the nerves that have built up. I’m not leaving here until I have my questions answered.
“Amy, is she your wife?” I finally ask. A question I didn’t initially plan but seeing her was unexpected and went to the top of that list.
My dad lowers his eyes and then nods. When he looks up at me, he smiles and says, “We've been married for five years now.”
Five years. That’s—not a long time at all. The next question comes to me.
“How did you two meet?” I keep my facial expression neutral and my demeanor calm.
He smiles brightly at me, clearly happy that I asked that question. “I kept running into her every morning on my runs. I would take a path along the beach, and she would run past me every time. As time went on, we started greeting each other. First, a small smile, then a nod. Two weeks in, she said hello to me.”
He peers into the house. I follow his gaze, and it lands on Ellie, talking to Amy in the kitchen. She’s smiling and even laughs a little bit. I feel my lip curving into a smile, but I suddenly stop it.
“Every morning,” dad continues. “I would get excited to see her. The little interaction always had me looking forward to the next day. A month later, I asked her if she wanted to grab lunch after her run. That was that.”
“So, you run?” I ask.
He lifts his brows and then smiles. “I do. I try to run every day. It helps with my anxiety. It’s one of the reasons I run, not because I enjoy it, but it really helps with that and stress.” He puts his hand out to me and says, “Enough about me, please. I would love to hear what you’ve been up to all these years.”
I’m caught off guard by the change in conversation. I wasn’t planning to tell him anything about me. I wanted to know everything about him and why he left. I want to hear it fromhim. But there’s another part of me, the kid in me, that is happy he wants to know about meand what I’ve been up to.
I clear my throat before saying, “Well, I have my own business. I run a brewery back in Dove Point.”
He smiles excitedly. “That’s amazing, what’s it called? How long has it been up and running?”
“It’s called The Salty Dog. Me and a close friend co-own it. The name came from my dog, Milo.”
“Oh, wow, what kind of dog is Milo?”
“A golden retriever. I found him outside of town on the side of the road. Someone left him there with his things when he was a puppy. I took that as a sign that he needed me in his life—and I needed him in mine.”
His smile fades away when he nods, and I’m sure that story opened wounds for him. I can take the opportunity to steer the conversation in the direction I want.
“How come I wasn’t enough? Enough for you to stay. Not only for me and mom, but for Addie, too,” I ask quickly.
He lets out a heavy breath, and I can tell he’s uncomfortable. “I don’t want to blame my age because your mother is the same age as me, of course. But I’m not going to lie and say that wasn’t part of it. Everyone grows up differently. People change. Sometimes, it can be a good change or a bad change. I wasn’t the father that I wanted to be for you and your sister. I did try. I tried my hardest, but I felt like I had to grow up. Rowan, I loved your mom so much. I loved her so much that it killed me to leave you all, and I didn’t leave because I wanted to. I left to protect you and your sister. I knew that I would not be the dad you deserved to have. I was young and immature. We had you and Addie very quickly. You two are only a year apart. We were thrown into parenthood so fast.
“Your mom was the stronger one between the two of us. She is the most incredible woman that I’ve had the pleasure of knowing and getting to marry. I wasn’t there physically, but I always made sure that the three of you were always taken care of. We grew up together, as I’m sure you know. She was the first girl I’d dated, the only girl I’d dated. We were each other’s first. All I knew was her, and all she knew was me. I knew I wanted to be with her after we graduated high school.” He shakes his head before continuing, “We got married very, very young. We were still learning about ourselves, who we were, what we wanted. As time went on.” He looks down at his hands. “I started to question what I wanted. I kept convincing myself that the family I had was what I wanted. Telling myself that I was a good dad and husband. Your mom and I would have these arguments. She would need to tell me when she needed help instead of me just helping her. We made sure never to have them in front of you and Addie.
“She said that I needed to be home more, and that I needed to pull my weight when it came to all of us. I was a terrible father.” He takes a breath and looks at me, his eyes suddenly glossy. “I remember the day I left.” He looks up to the sky, trying to blink away the tears and face me again. “It was both of our decisions that it was for the better. I…I remember you running after me, crying for me. And it completely broke me,” he says through tears, his voice cracking. “I wanted so badly to take you with me, but I knew that I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t because I was leaving for the exact reason I couldn’t be around. I didn’t have the mentality to take care of you. I thought parenthood would click for me, like it did for your mom, but it didn’t. Not until I was much older.” He sniffs, running his fingers under his eyes. “When you were calling out for me…I…I was clenching my fists so hard that I made my palms bleed. I dug my nails so hard into my skin because I had to stop myself from taking you with me.
“I wanted to be that role model for you. I wanted you to look up to me.” He shakes his head again. “But I couldn’t let myself do that. It wouldn’t have been fair to you. You would have just thought that your dad was a joke. I would rather you hate me than think I was a pathetic dad who couldn’t give you what you want.” He wipes another tear away. “I hated myself foryears,Rowan. I thought about you and Addie day and night. I thought about how I didn’t deserve you all. I didn’t deserve your mom. I wish I had known all of that sooner. But at the same time, I’m glad. I’m glad I stayed with your mom and had you and your sister. You guys bring so much joy into your mother’s life. But I knew the best way to take care of you was from afar.”
I swallow down the urge to walk away. Seeing my dad like this, seeing him broken, and admitting that it was just as hard for him to leave me as it was for me to watch him leave. All this time, I thought it was something so simple for him. In front of me, all I see is a man who was just as broken as I was. But one thing he said had me questioning him.
“You said you took care of us. What do you mean?” My voice quivers.
