He gets a chuckle out of me, and of course I forgive him. And I trust him. He’s someone I would trust with my life because I know he wouldn’t do anything to really hurt me. Even if it’s from a scary movie.
I move over to him and cross my arms, letting out a breath while the movie continues.
“Come here,” he croons, tugging me into him, his arm wrapping around me. “The big, scary monster won’t get to you.”
“Oh, you’re going to be my knight in shining armor?” I question. I look at him to continue teasing him when I quickly realize how close our faces are to each other.
I inhale sharply at the surprise. The tips of our noses barely touch, and I can see specks of gray in his eyes. The touch of him like this is all too familiar. Memories start to flood over me. Us at his house while his mom and aunt were out of town for the weekend. Watching a movie in the dark.
My heart is pounding so hard in my chest, I swear he can feel it too.
The night we decided to lose our virginities to each other. The night he told me he loved me. A month before I had to leave for New York.
My arms fall, and I can feel my body lean into him more. My hands grip the silky fabric of my dress as I try to contain myself. Force my body to no longer move and avert my gaze from him. But I can’t. Because right now, we’re back to being eighteen years old, and our lives are about to change forever.
thirty
ROWAN
I catchmyself rubbing my thumb up and down her bare arm, feeling the goosebumps I’m giving her at my touch, and damn if that doesn’t boost my confidence with her. I wonder if she’s thinking about the same thing as me right now.
That night, everything changed. I still remember every little detail because before then, we'd just fooled around and would make out for hours. Always being so close to just letting it all go and giving in to temptation. Every time we were almost there, one of us would stop.
It felt like such a monumental thing. And it was. I didn’t look at losing my virginity just to accomplish it in life. I knew who I wanted to lose it to. I remember the gasp she made after she told me she was ready and felt myself go in her. The warm sensation I felt immediately.
Asking her every five minutes if she was okay and if we needed to stop because I always heard how it hurt for the girl the first time. I didn’t want to hurt Ellie, and I think that’s why I was always too scared to follow through. We knew she was leaving soon, and we didn’t know what would happen between us.
I like to think that that’s why we finally decided to go through with it. Because we didn’t want to experience our first time with anyone else.
“Rowan?” her voice comes out small.
“Yeah?” My voice matches hers.
“Why did you ask me out tonight?”
I swallow down what is now a very dry throat. I can’t tell her why I asked her. That would be very pathetic.
Oh, I asked you out because my little sister bullied me into doing it.
I should just lay it all out for her. Just tell her why but leave out the part about Addie. It’s simple. It’s so, so simple.
I asked you out because I needed to remind you what we can have again. What you can have again. Someone who will walk the ends of the Earth for you. Someone who thinks about you when they go to sleep and when they wake up. Someone who shouldn’t have let you get on that damn plane ten years ago.
“I, um. I asked you out because,” I whisper while trying to get over my fears. Fear of rejection and loneliness. Justtell her.“Because we’re friends.”
Wait, what?
Ellie’s brows knit together, and she pulls back, lost in confusion. “Oh.”
She leans back onto the couch and looks at the TV showing the movie cover in dim lighting.Why the fuck did I say that?I lean my head back on top of the couch and look up at the ceiling.
“I should get home. It’s getting late,” she mutters under her breath.
I whip my head toward her. Say something, anything to keep her here. “Okay.”
Okay?What am I doing? Why do I hate myself? Don’t push her away. Don’t put her in that box with every other girl you’ve pushed away.She is not one of them. This is Ellie. You thought you lost your chance. Well, here she is. On your fucking lap.
“Okay,” Ellie’s tone is completely defeated.
