The colors of his eyes look aquamarine as he meets my gaze. I feel my heart slow down when I see them, putting me at ease. If I could look into his eyes all day without looking unhinged, I would.
“My lap is much more comfortable if you’re interested,” he says with a one-sided smile, showing off his dimple.
I roll my lips, trying to hide a smile and shake my head as I sit down next to him. He’s still holding his phone in his hand, and I lift my chin towards it.
“Anything interesting?” I ask.
“Nah, just doom scrolling.” He gives me another quick smile. “Riley told us what Addie suggested today.”
I look at his finger on the armrest, tapping away. I know he does that when he’s thinking about something, or rather, he’soverthinkingabout something.
“Oh yeah?” I turn my body toward him, facing him head-on. “And what do you think of this crazy, ridiculous, impossible idea? Do you think I should leave everything behind and come back home?” I smile brightly at him with my brows raised.
I’m curious what Rowan has to say about this. He usually gives me a realistic answer to things, and I end up agreeing with him. But there is a small part of me hoping that he will tell me to stay. Tell me that I will be happier here, with our friends, my family, and withhim.
I sit up straight and control my breathing, because one simple answer could decide the path I go on. He looks at me with a neutral expression on his face and clears his throat. He breaks eye contact and looks down and then back up to me.
“I think you should do what you want to do. Don’t listen to what anyone else wants because, at the end of the day, it’s your life. You need to decide what path you want to stay on.” His eyes roam my face like he’s trying to figure out if what he said was the right thing.
“Hm,” is all I can say.
I press my lips together and slowly nod my head. That wasn’t the answer I was expecting. I can feel my body deflating, and I feel uncomfortable. I feel stupid for asking. He wouldn’t tell me what to do. He’s never done that. He’s always supported me with whateverIchose to do in life.
It’s one of the many things I love about him. He’s my cheerleader, my best friend, and someone’s opinion that I take to heart.
“Is that what you really think?” I ask in a hushed tone.
His eyes scan me, thinking, contemplating.
Come on, Rowan, tell me you want me to stay. That I’m better off coming back home for good. To start over. To start over with you.
Be reckless. I’ll be reckless with you.
“Yeah. It’s what I really think,” he answers.
I narrow my gaze at him, and I watch his throat bob. “And what if I decide to stay here instead of going back to New York?”
At this point, I’m just hoping that he gives me an inkling of how he feels. I could be the one to say it—say how I feel and what I want to do, and that he never left my mind when I left.
But I can’t.
Because it’s not that simple. Now I wish I had never asked that stupid question.
“If you stayed, Ellie, I would do anything and everything I can to help you to be successful here.” His voice is low. Quiet, like he just wants this conversation between the two of us. “I’d make sure you never leave here again.”
I swallow, trying to clear my throat when I say, “Oh?”
“You know we would do anything for you, El. You’re our best friend. The core person of this group.”
My body deflates. Oh. Best friend.Right.
I nod my head slowly and force a small smile on my face while I feel my heart drop to my stomach. “What are best friends for?”
twenty-three
ROWAN
It’s beenthree days since Ellie asked me that question at the bonfire. In those three days, I worked, cleaned my already clean house, went on too many runs, took Milo to the beach, and even lounged on my couch while I played my records.
