Addie frowns. “Why not?”
“For a multitude of reasons. I have a career that I’ve built a great reputation with. I’ve created a life in New York. I have an apartment there.”
“Jobs come and go, but love is forever,” Addie says triumphantly.
“God, you’re such a romantic,” Hailey drawls.
“So, what if I am?” Addie crosses her arms. “I’m sorry that I’m all for a happily ever after. They can happen.”
“El, do you love your job?” Riley asks.
Oof, the question I’ve been dreading since I got here. I’ve specified the stress I’ve accumulated over the job, but I never went into full details.
I sit and ponder. At least, I make it seem like I’m pondering, like I’mreallythinking about it. When, in fact, I know the answer already. I just don’t want to come off like I’m some depressed, lonely person. Which I am.
Plus, the thought of giving up a career like that, it means I’ve given up. Admitted defeat. Let down everyone around me. If I leave that life behind, that means that I gave up the life I could have had here. With Rowan.
I shift my focus back to them, and they’re all waiting for my answer. Fine.
“Do you want the surface-level answer or the deep-level answer?” I ask.
“As deep as the ocean, baby girl,” Hailey says.
I cover my face with both hands, dragging them up and down.
“Ilovedmy job. I loved every minute of it. It made me feel unstoppable, like I could do anything, and people would still come to see my work. To taste my work. I couldn’t get enough. It was addicting. The rush of it all.
“When I would step into that kitchen, my heart would start thundering in my chest out of the adrenaline I would get. Getting to use a skill that I’ve come to love since I was a little girl. One day, when I wanted cookies, Mom showed me her recipe book so I could try them on my own. It led me to something that I never thought I’d love as much as I do. But what I’m doing now.” I shake my head. “I’m falling out of love with it. That’s what Charlie saw. He noticed it first. I started sinking into myself, ignoring my feelings, ignoring what Charlie wanted and needed from me.”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Hailey demands while holding up a hand. “You arenotgoing to blame yourself for what that worthless piece of a man did to you. If he felt what he felt, what he told you, he should have ended things.”
Addie and Riley nod in agreement.
I put my hands up in defeat. “Fine, I won’t blame myself.” I let out a sigh. “I don’t know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I miss the simple things. I miss the kind of baking that brings people joy. Don’t get me wrong, the things I’ve made are incredible, but sometimes they look so...”
“Lifeless?” Addie adds.
I drop my shoulders and look at her. I see the sadness in her eyes, the sadness for me. I can’t help but feel that same sadness that has built in me. My chest feels heavy, and my eyes start to prickle without me stopping them. I want to let everything out. I want to cry, yell, and be mad. I haven’t let myself really feel everything I’ve been through. I’ve been ignoring everything when it comes to my mental health.
A tear escapes when I tell them something I never told anyone. “There was one day at work when I was preparing for an event. I was under a lot of stress. A lot of pressure for everything to be perfect. There was a day when I slept at work because I was too wrapped up in not failing.
“Then, on the day of the event, one of my dishes was messed up. I realized that I’d forgotten a key ingredient, and it was the main display.” I shake my head, remembering the impending doom I felt. “I panicked. I was the only one in the kitchen, and I panicked. I started feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I went to the fridge to grab what I needed to fix it, but my hands were shaking so badly, I couldn’t open the door.
“The next thing I knew, I dropped to the floor and cried. I felt like my chest was going to explode. Everything around me blurred, and I remember pulling at my jacket, tugging it away from my chest because I couldn’t breathe. I felt like my heart was about to explode.”
I look down at my hands and realize I’ve been picking at my nails this entire time. I swallow before continuing, “I sat on that floor for two hours. The only reason I got back up was that someone else came into the kitchen to start their own work. I felt so helpless.
“I went home that night. I remember Charlie was waiting for me in the living room, telling me he needed to talk to me about something, but I blew him off. I made it about me. I told him that I had a terrible day and wasn’t in the mood to talk about anything. I went straight into the bedroom and cried myself to sleep.
“Since coming back home, I’ve been able to look back at everything, missing the signs of him trying to talk to me. I pushed him away without ever realizing it. It’s my fault Charlie cheated on me,” I say weakly.
The tears in my eyes turn everything around me into a blur. All I see are three figures coming up to me, and I feel their arms wrap around me, telling me over and over that it was not my fault, telling me that everything will be okay.
Nothing will be okay because it’s my fault.I was the one who drove Charlie into another woman’s arms because I was so focused on not letting my boss down, the event down, that I didn’t notice I was letting the person I loved down.
Charlie was right. I’ve changed. And not for the better.
nineteen
