She squeezed me with as much strength as she could muster. A delicious flood of happy dopamine rushed through me at the sensation.
I wondered then what a ‘Nash hug’ might feel like. He was so tall and built—he could swallow me whole. The idea was enticing.
Cat released me, stepping back to give Bill a scratch behind the ears so he didn’t feel left out. “Must I still exit through the back alley?” She frowned.
I gave her a pleading look. “Please?”
She shook her head, appearing disappointed. “Fine, but if I get mugged back there, you’re going to feel pretty awful about it.”
I laughed. “Your driver is still out there waiting for you, Cat. Don’t make me feel guilty; I’m rather immune to it at this point.”
Cat gave me a sly smile. “I’ll see you next week, but call me in the meantime, Sybbie.”
She turned and headed to the spiral stairs. I followed her, seeing her out through the back garden. I let myself enjoy a moment in the fall air before going back inside.
My fingers brushed over the petals in one of my flower pots, picking off the dead flowers. The summer blooms were almost all spent, and I needed to order some fall flowers and clean out the other pots for winter.
I enjoyed my little garden—this small slice of nature andhappiness. It was the perfect size for me. I classified and organized the flowers based on their scent, since color meant little to me. Every flower smelled unique, each complementing the next in a blended bouquet of perfumes.
When I later went inside, I moved to the front room to look out at the darkening evening sky over the buildings and eat a few Skittles. I slid down onto the couch there, looking over the back of it and out the window. Mr. Beans quickly took his customary spot on the sill.
I loved Skittles. Their motto, ‘Taste The Rainbow’ meant more to me than most. It was hard for me to differentiate several of the colors, so it was like a mystery bag of flavors.
A woman walked down the sidewalk opposite, and I sat up a little, identifying her.
It was Betty, Nash’s sister.
She had a large Birkin bag slung over her shoulder, an exquisite long tweed coat, and from what I could tell, leopard print tights under a flowing calf-length dark skirt. Her heels were sky-high, and my feet ached just looking at them.
Her beauty was the timeless sort, like Audrey Hepburn.
I couldn’t help but envy her a little. Clearly, Betty had places to go, people to meet—dressing up mattered. Clothes for me were all about comfort, and that alone. There was no point unless Mr. Beans was going to care what I wore, and I rather think Mr. Beans enjoyed my oversized sweatshirts. He loved burrowing into my sleeve, loving the compression and warmth.
I pulled out my phone, downloading the Nordstrom app just for the fun of it.
Browsing all the clothes, I started adding fake ideas to my cart. I ventured through the lingerie pages. Holy cow, there were a lot of beautiful things. There was an all-black lace duet of bra and panties, and I tried to imagine myself being brave enough to wear something like that, let alone someone else seeing me wear it.
Those went into the cart; it was a fantasy wardrobe after all.
I added fancy coats, pants, and designer jeans—not a single sweatshirt to be found. Patterns and textures that piqued my interest, all those went in. Scrolling through the entire haul, I was impressed with my taste. In the end, though, I ended up abandoning the cart and closing the app.
I set my phone down, curling my knees up and into my giant sweatshirt.
“Someday,” my inner voice said.
Despite my melancholy, I felt opportunity on the horizon for the first time in a very long time. Maybe I would have a reason to dress up. I could see it happening, I could feel what it would be like, and that was a promising start.
CHAPTER 14
Sybil
The following morning, excitement had wriggled its way into my chest when I opened the front door. The bag Nash left was different today—bigger, and a new shade of gray.
I grasped it and stood there for a moment, letting the sun hit my face. I was no longer working so hard to duck away and stay hidden, even letting the crisp morning air flush out the staleness of my entry vestibule, breathing deep and enjoying it with the door wide open.
Feeling satisfied with that minor victory, I shut the door. In the kitchen, I set the bag down in the pets’ presence, their eyes ripe with anticipation.
I rolled the bag open and peeked inside.
