I roll onto my side, pulling my knees to my chest as tears well in my eyes. The ache between my thighs is a reminder of how close I came. How good it felt. How right. Better than anything I imagined.
In my fantasies, I never got the details right. I never knew how his hands would feel—rough and gentle at the same time. I never knew the sound he'd make when I wrapped my fingers around him, mymouth. I never knew how intense his gaze would be, even through a mask.
I thought I knew what wanting him would feel like. I was wrong.
This is so much more than want. It’s need, and hunger—the feeling of having touched something perfect and having it slip through your fingers.
I should feel guilty and ashamed. I should be horrified that I went to a sex club and let my brother's best friend touch me without knowing who I was.
But all I feel is a sense that I’m more alive than I’ve ever been before… and an overwhelming, crushing feeling of regret that I stopped when I did. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've touched something real, something that's mine. Something I chose. The thought of never having it again is unbearable.
The decision crystallizes almost immediately. I might never see Luca there again, and the thought is enough to make my heart feel like it’s cracking, the need and longing so great I wonder if a person can actually die from it.
But I’m not going to get married without feeling some echo of that again, one way or another.
I'm going back.
—
I spendthe entire ride home the next day trying to prepare myself, to figure out how I'm going to act normal when everything has changed. When I walk through the front door, my father is in his office. Romeo is out. And Luca?—
Luca is in the hallway.
He's talking to one of the guards, his back to me, and the sight of him makes my breath catch. He's wearing dark jeans and a black shirt, and I can see the muscles in his shoulders, the way his hands move when he talks.
Those hands were on my body last night. That mouth was?—
He turns, and our eyes meet. For a moment, neither of us moves. I feel exposed, naked. Like he can see right through me, through the careful mask I'm wearing, straight to the truth underneath.
Does he know? Can he tell?
His expression doesn't change. "Giulia." His voice is neutral. "How was your night away?"
"Good." The word comes out steadier than I feel. "Liesl says hello." I have no idea why I said that—she didn’t, and he doesn’t know her. It was stupid, but I feel stupid right now. Stupid and slow, and terrified that he knows.
"That's nice." He's still looking at me, and I can't read his expression. I can't tell if he suspects anything or if I'm just projecting my own guilt onto him.
"I should go unpack.” I struggle not to fidget.
He just nods. "Of course."
I walk past him, and for just a second, I catch his scent—the same cologne from last night. The same warmth.
My knees almost give out.
I make it to my room and close the door, leaning against it, my heart racing. He doesn't know. He can't know. But God, being near him now, knowing what his hands feel like, what his mouth can do—it's torture.
I spend the rest of the afternoon in my room, trying to read. But all I can think about is last night, and the way he touched me—and how Iran.
And I'm going to see him again tonight at dinner, and I have to pretend nothing has changed.
—
The dinner partystarts at seven. It's smaller than the last one—just family and a few close associates, along with my father’s three chosen suitors. Alessandro is sitting beside me at the table, and I have to force myself not to look at Luca for any length of time. I swear I can feel his eyes on me even when I'm not looking at him.
Alessandro is particularly attentive tonight. He keeps touching my arm when he talks, leaning in close, his breathwarm against my ear. "You look beautiful," he murmurs. "That dress is stunning on you."
"Thank you," I manage, forcing a smile. His hand is on my arm again, his thumb stroking small circles on my skin. The touch makes my skin crawl, but I don't pull away. Ican'tpull away. This is what's expected. This is my role.
