“It’s touch and go, as you can imagine.”
“I can’t, really. I just can’t, them losing their son like that and how that must put a type of poison into the relationship.”
Poison? The word had made Vivian flinch, as if Shona had jabbed her with one of her phlebotomy needles.
But there was also something freeing in how Shona didn’t shy away from the topic.
“That’s one way to put it,” Vivian said. “You should see how my mom looks at my dad. So much anger. And he at her with nothing but disappointment. It’s, I don’t know, it’s so sad.”
Shona’s eyes were wide and understanding. “You know.” She held out a palm. “There are groups for this kind of thing. In one of my community health classes, we had a woman who runs a grief group come speak to us. I could get you her name if you wanted.”
“Nah, that’s okay. I mean, I’m fine.”
“Okay, well, there are other resources, too. Stuff online, books. We’ve had all sorts of guest speakers come into my class. Some are super interesting. I can look into some stuff for you.” She smiled.
Vivian felt guilt rise in her, like she was betraying the only family she had left, deceiving her parents, who she knew were in so much pain, like she was. To quell the swelling guilt, Vivian tried distracting herself by thinking of the guest speaker due to visit her own bio class in the morning. It didn’t stick, though. The fact was, sitting here with her new friend, it felt good—damn good—to talk, like she was dislodging sediment in a floodplain. Shona’s voice, in fact, her whole appearance was like that golden honey she’d drizzled into her tea—smooth and comforting.
Hey, Ryan, is it true that locally made honey helps your immune system against resident allergens?
In her own apartment, Vivian felt hungry and dug out a frozen pizza from the freezer. When it was ready, she ate it at the counter while she read from her textbook. She left a few pieces for Logan, who she knew would be ravenous when he came over after work.
But he didn’t come over. He called and told her he’d been invited along with some of the guys on a backcountry winter camping trip. Too good to pass up. They were leaving early in the morning, and he needed to get his gear in order.
Vivian sighed quietly so he couldn’t hear. She felt abandoned, but she knew that was irrational. She told him to have fun.
Whatever newfound energy she’d discovered after talking to Shona drained away. A part of her was glad he wasn’t coming; another part was caught in a purgatory between empty fatigue and a nameless desire to do something, anything, but she had no idea what.
Hey, Ryan, I know you know whatdysthymicmeans.
The next day around the same time, Vivian looked out her window to the parking area below as Shona pulled up. She grabbed her pack from the back seat of her car, swung it over her shoulder, and walked gingerly over the icy lot to the staircase.
Vivian gave her time to settle in, then texted her and asked her what she was up to. Shona replied,The usual, with an emoji of a textbook.What about you?
Twenty minutes later, Vivian was back in Shona’s kitchen. Shona made a mini pot of coffee with a powerful aroma.
“Figured we needed the caffeine.” She poured Vivian a cup as she took a seat at the white counter.
“Perfect.” Vivian smiled.
Vivian told Shona that Logan had gone camping. “It’s like he’s made to be on the move,” Vivian said. “Like my dad.”
“Outdoorsy?”
“Not like Logan with the backcountry, but he was a jock in high school and college. Track and field, football, and basketball. All the team sports. He got one of those all-state awards. Played football in college, too.”
Shona laughed. “Sounds like my dad.” She explained how her father was raised in a small town in eastern Montana, Havre, and that he went to Montana State University in Bozeman, where he became a linebacker for the Cats.
Vivian must have made a funny face because Shona said, “What?”
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
She let it out. She told Shona how her father had forced Ryan to join the JV team, how her mom didn’t stick up for Ryan and was always so silent. How all the teams went on a preseason retreat to build camaraderie up at a camp with all these cabins on Whistler Mountain.
“That sounds fun. Didn’t your brother enjoy that?”
She poured it out while Shona listened.
