By the time I make it back, a stocky, baby-faced adventure guide is addressing the group. “Welcome, guests of Meredith and Grant. Are we ready to have a good time this weekend?”
“Hell, yeah!” Derrick cheers, his giant bodybuilder frame wobbly from an afternoon of day drinking.
“My name is Bo, and this is Tonya,” the guide says, nodding towards his mousy-haired counterpart, dressed in a matching blue-and-red Majestic Ranch t-shirt. “And we will be your river guides and co-captains this evening. But before we head to the gorgeous Snake River, I need each of you to sign a waiver.” He holds up a clipboard and passes it to Adrian.
“Do you think I should be worried that this clearly states that they aren’t responsible for death, drowning,ordismemberment?” Adrian asks, scanning the one-page document.
“Considering that the word ‘liability’ is misspelled, definitely,” I joke. “On the other hand, it also means this document probablywon’t hold up in a court of law, so you’d still get a good payout if something happened.”
“You hear that, babe? If I lose an arm, we could be rich,” Adrian says, passing the clipboard to Vanessa.
“I think I’d rather have you in one piece than buy myself a Rivian,” she counters, jotting her own name down as the rumble of heavy machinery grabs our attention.
I’ve seen plush, overpriced vehicles, luxury party buses, and vintage cars driven by professionals, but the worn-down school bus that heads towards us is a first. The words “Majestic Ranch and Resort” are hand-painted on the side. Water cascades from the emergency exit door as it brakes in front of our group.
“Who’s ready to go to the river?” Bo shouts, as the door to the bus opens.
The wide-eyed onlookers quickly turn their horrified stares from Bo and the bus to Meredith’s soon-to-be mother-in-law, who is throwing a fit worthy of a suburban mom who has just been handed the wrong Starbucks order.
“Twenty bucks says she doesn’t get on the bus,” Adrian says, holding out his hand towards Vanessa.
“Forty,” she replies, and they shake on it.
I’ve seen Momzillas throw fits, shed tears, and completely obliterate staff, but no matter what chaos they cause, they always put on a smile and power through the evening for the sake of the couple.
“You really think she won’t come with us?”
“Susan’s not a fan of Meredith to begin with, this is just fuel for the fire,” Vanessa explains.
“But Meredith’s great.”
“I know, but to Susan she’s a witch who has hypnotized Grant with her mystical voodoo.”
“Mystical voodoo?” I laugh. “You can’t be serious.”
“Deadly,” Vanessa sighs. “She went so far as to hire a PI to follow Meredith around for a month, totally convinced that her reiki business was a front for drugs.”
“I thought it was because she believed Meredith was running a cult,” Adrian adds.
“Either way, that’s intense.”
Adrian smugly nudges me as Susan moves up the stairs towards the cabins, Grant chasing after her. He’s already holding out his hand for his prize when Katherine links arms with the woman, talking to her calmly until she walks back down towards the group.
“Damnit. I didn’t account for the Katherine factor,” Adrian says, shaking his head.
“The Katherine factor?”
“She’s like the Susan-whisperer,” Vanessa explains, as we move in line to board the bus. “They’re practically glued at the hip. Every time she picks a fight with Meredith over the proper time to arrive at a function or making reservations at a vegetarian-only restaurant, Katherine is always there to smooth it over. We’re convinced that’s why Hudson stays with her.”
“Why would that matter?” I ask, confused.
“Because Susan is Hudson’s mom.”
Staring at the woman now, I can’t believe I missed the resemblance. From the wrinkle they share between their brows to the same piercing green eyes. Even the roots of her blonde hair shine with a hint of red. I add her to the list of people to avoid this weekend as I find a seat behind Vanessa and Adrian.
The window is caked in dirt and there’s a weird film on the back of the seat that sticks to my arm when I accidently graze against it. Removing my backpack, I locate my hand sanitizer inside my emergency kit. It’s nestled between gum, wet wipes, eye drops, a sewing kit, Band-Aids, and various creams, lotions, stain kits,and hairsprays. I squeeze a dollop onto my hand and offer some to Vanessa and Adrian.
“Do you always bring so much stuff with you?” Vanessa asks, examining my bag. It’s fully stocked with everything one might need to ensure a successful wedding day.
