“Okay. Show me what you got.” I told her I would help her with anything. I guess helping her choose a dress for her birthday party is theanythingpart of that.
“Are you sure you’re not busy?”
“Nah, I wasn’t doing anything important,” I say as I jog up the stairs.
“Okay, thank you.” She smiles, and I swear I feel that smile in my soul. I want to see more of it.
“I like that.”
“I haven’t shown you anything yet,” Zara huffs.
“Your smile. I like your smile,” I clarify.
“Oh, thank you. Hold on. I’ll put the first one on.”
“I’ll be here,” I tell her as I sit on my bed and get comfortable.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ishould have told my parents I didn’t want a party. It’s tomorrow night, and I’m already dreading it. I know I should be grateful. They’ve spent a lot of money on a lavishgathering for my eighteenth birthday. To me, it’s another night of having to be someone else. Of having to play a role.
I wish I had an appointment with Dr Finn today. She’d be able to guide me into hopefully not melting down. Which is exactly what I feel like I’m doing right now. I should be paying attention to the teacher. I honestly couldn’t tell you what he’s saying or has said for the last thirty minutes. I’ve been trapped here in my own thoughts. I could reach out to Ares. He’s right next to me. Just touching him can sometimes quiet the noises in my mind.
When I look over at him, he’s scribbling down notes. I don’t want to distract him. So I pull out my journal. I’m still shocked he didn’t read it. He told me he was tempted but left it in the glove box and never opened it.
I don’t know if I would have the same restraint if I had access to all of his inner thoughts.
Dr Finn says I have clinical depression—although I’m not sure I needed a doctor to tell me that. I guess I already knew. I was just in denial about how severe my sadness was. I didn’t want to admit that I needed help.
There’s also the guilt that won’t leave me. I have no reason to be so depressed. This is something I’ve been talking to Dr Finn about. She assures me it’s not uncommon for people to suffer with depression without an event to trigger those feelings. Knowing that doesn’t really help me feel like there isn’t something wrong with me, though.
There are about fifteen different questions Dr Finn gave me as journaling prompts. There are a few that are easy for me to answer, and I tend to stick with those, only choosing the more difficult ones on the odd occasion.
I scribble down the first question I want to answer.
What does your depression feel like right now? Where do you feel it most?
Right now, I’m sitting in math class. My depression feels like a huge wave is heading towards me, and I’m about to get swept out into the darkness. I feel it in my chest, in my stomach, and the sting in my eyes as I try to contain tears that want to fall free.
The next question I answer isn’t always an easy one to recognise. There are days that I don’t feel like I accomplish anything at all. But today, there was something I did that made me feel good.
What is something you accomplished today?
Today I made Ares laugh. Seems like a small thing, but it’s actually not that easy to make the guy laugh. He’s always so serious and doesn’t find a lot of things funny. I liked his laugh. I wish I could hear it more and I want to be the reason he finds joy and humour in the world.
Describe a memory that brings you comfort.
Being at my grandparents beach house for Christmas when I was little. It was always the best time with my family, relaxed and not as formalas other gatherings. I love my grandparents and spending time with them is always great.
That makes me think I should call my grandmother soon. It’s been a while since I’ve spoken to her. And I haven’t spoken to my grandfather since he caught me smoking weed that one time.
What is something you’re grateful for today?
Ares. I’m grateful he forced his way into my life. I’m grateful he is so attentive and caring with me. I’m grateful for his patience, and I’m grateful he has made transitioning to this new school so much easier. I’m grateful that he loves me.
My pen drops to the ground. Holy shit. I just wrote that. He loves me. He does, right? I mean, why would he do everything he does if he didn’t? His actions tell me that he loves me. Why? I have no idea, but I do feel loved by Ares.
Ares bends and picks up my pen, holding it out to me. “You okay?” he whispers.
