He sees something in my eyes that causes his hands to still, halfway up the backs of my thighs. We stare at each other for a long moment.The air seems to crackle between us, until disappointment fills his gaze. His swollen, wet mouth turns down at the corners. As if he can see it coming, his hands drop to his sides.
I pull back and yank up my underwear and pants. Then I reach down and grab my bra, slipping it back over my body. The words ‘I’m sorry’ are on the tip of my tongue when I look back to find him still on his knees, eyes cast out to the sea.
‘Seb—’ I start, but my words get caught in my throat when his head whips in my direction.
‘Why do you do this?’ he asks. I can hear the rejection he feels in his tone. ‘Why do you pull away the moment I get close to you.’
Because I was told if I stand too close to fire, it may burn me, and I have enough scars on my body as it is.But I don’t say that, because that would be letting him see too much. That’s giving him more than I’m willing to offer.
So, instead I hit him with the truth. ‘You’ve hurt me. Probably more than anyone else here.’
His shoulders drop. ‘I know, but I—’
‘I’m not done,’ I interrupt. I walk over to pick up my shirt and pull it on. He rises and fists his shirt but doesn’t move to put it back on. Instead, he just stuffs it into the waist band of his jeans. ‘When I came here, I hoped to find the person that came to my house during Solstice. The man who sat beside me down by the river. The friend I thought I had, who might understand more than anyone else in the world what it was like to lose someone like Lukas …’ my voice cracks against the wind. ‘But you betrayed him.’
The sigh he lets out is deep, pained. ‘That’s not … you don’t understand …’
‘No,youdon’t understand. You don’t get to do this.’ I gesture to myself. ‘You don’t get to tell me you care and then kiss and touch me and think that’s enough to take away everything else. You don’t get to look at me like I’ve broken your heart when I never had it in the first place. Iwon’tfeel guilty for my anger.’
I see the change quickly. It happens in a blink. The mask he’s grown so good at wearing falls back over his eyes, concealing the softness, the pain, the longing I saw in them only moments ago. Unit Leader Zain is back. The Combat Trainer.
I can’t deny that it hurts, because it does. It feels like a punch to the gut watching him switch back so quickly.
‘You mean you won’t feel guilty for using me to get yourself off,’ he retorts, savagely. My mouth opens, but he speaks before I can. ‘No, I get it. You needed an escape, and I was stupid enough to fall for it.’
‘How dare you—’
‘I laid my heart down and told you my truth. Well, here’s one more,Ria.’ He glowers, and I realise I’ve never seen him this angry before. ‘You’re so hellbent on painting me as the villain of your story, but you have no idea what you’re talking about. You have no clue what monsters lurk outside your door and if it weren’t for me, you’d be dead by now.’
His words cut into me like a thousand tiny daggers. But his anger only serves to stoke mine. ‘I didn’t paint you as anything. You did that all by yourself, it’s not my fault I saw your true colours for once.’
‘Like I said, you know nothing.’
‘Then feel free to enlighten me!’ I throw my hands up, exasperated. He says he laid his heart down, but something as simple as sharing what’s going on within the walls of this academy is too hard? He claims to care for me, yetthisis where he draws the line?
The second he starts shaking his head I retreat, putting distance between us.
‘It’s not that easy,’ he explains.
‘Then make it easy.’ He doesn’t speak, and with a cracked voice I growl at him, ‘You hurt me with one hand and then try to help me with the other. I don’t know what you want from me, Sebastian.’
‘Everything!’ he shouts, his own voice breaking. He stalks toward me with purposeful strides. His hands reach for either side of my face, bringing me close to his. ‘I. Want.Everything,’ he demands with a burning intensity in his eyes. Each enunciated word hits like a strike to mychest. ‘I didn’twantto hurt you, Arianell,’ he says it like a confession. A declaration.
‘Then why did you?’ My voice is small; I’m taken aback by the intensity radiating off him. How were we ripping each other’s clothes off one moment, to screaming at each other and then declaring our feelings the next?
‘Because I thought I could keep you safe if I made you leave.’
My brows furrow in confusion. I pull back from his touch like I’ve been slapped. ‘You what?’
‘I thought if I could convince you that you didn’t belong here, that you’d listen and go back home. Where it’s safe. I didn’t expect you to be so fucking stubborn. Every time I pushed, you seemed to dig your heels in deeper and Stars—’ He runs his hands through his hair, causing it to stick up in thirty different directions. ‘Then Harley died and then Moira attacked you and I realised I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong and I’msorry.’
‘You … you did all of it to make me leave?’ I ask, trying to wrap my head around everything. How cruel he was during the ceremony. The fight we had when I first met Nicks. Every insult and glare he sent my way. All of it was to make me want to go home?
Formysafety?
‘Yes. And I realise how messed up it was, but it was the only way I thought I could protect you.’
‘From what?’ My arms flare wide. ‘Protect me fromwhat, Sebastian?’
